


Just Like Me

by OffTopiCAuthor



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Endgame Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, F/F, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Slow Burn Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, SuperCorp
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-06-30 00:03:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 29,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19841323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OffTopiCAuthor/pseuds/OffTopiCAuthor
Summary: How could too much of the same be different? How could it be good? How could it even be? They were far too similar, in ways that even they didn't know. The struggle of loving someone who was just like you, in a bad way, was real. It's probably just going to take a really long time for Lena and Kara to figure it out.





	1. First Look

**Author's Note:**

> The story takes place two weeks after the reveal so you should definitely expect some angst.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lena's session with Dr. Gray was more effective than she thought it would be.

What exactly was the point of it all? Of _this_ , sitting in a boringly colored room, legs crossed, patiently waiting for advice from a stranger? There _was_ no point, Lena just didn't have anyone to talk to. Her best friend and her best friend's best friends were all liars. For years, the person who Lena felt closest to, had been lying to her. The satisfied covet of being loved that she felt was all a lie, a portion of happiness that was inevitably taken away. That experience, being looked at as something other than just a Luthor was definitely one in a million, and it was sad that Lena had fallen for it, so easily at that. Her _desperate_ need to be loved pulled her into a corner where she always knew she'd end up. She was trapped, stuck between the eyes of a liar and the eyes of someone she loved, someone she trusted after so many years of not trusting. They mocked her, stared at her, waiting for her to come back at demand but for now, she refused.

"In some ways, I blame myself, it is my own fault that I couldn't look into her eyes and see her, who she really was like she was able to for me." Lena fiddled with her fingers, determined to avoid as much eye contact with Dr. Gray as possible while she puckered her lips and traced the back of her teeth with her tongue. "Or, maybe she didn't actually see who I was because if she _did_ , she would've known that she could've trusted me with something like that."

Dr. Gray was nodding, agreeing with Lena, while she took down some notes. "Do you think that's why she didn't tell you? Because she didn't trust you?"

"I think it's a possibility, yes," Lena shrugged, "in all honesty though, it could've been to protect me. But then I think about all of the people who _do_ know...if they had gotten the satisfaction of hearing Kara tell it herself or the disappointment of finding out from someone else. I wonder if Alex was welcomed into Kara's life, her real life, with open arms because if that's the case then no...Kara wasn't protecting me." The brunette shook her head, still in denial with Dr. Gray's eyes. "I doubt that there is a universe where Kara would ever choose me over her sister."

"But what if there is?" Asked Dr. Gray, curious to see what Lena's response would be. "What if this is the universe where Kara would choose you over her sister? It's the same universe where you, unintentionally, chose her over your brother-"

"I chose _the world_ over Lex," Lena's voice was firm when she looked up into the hazel eyes before her, finally, "he was bad. There was no good left in him and there was nothing that, not even the hopeful Supergirl, could do about it."

Dr. Gray took down more notes and it was clear to her that Lena was in denial. Lena believed that she was being open and completely honest, but she wasn't. She was ignoring the elephant in the room, _why_ did Kara lie to her, and focusing on what she felt to be the more prominent point, the fact that Kara _did_ lie. And yes, Lena wondered why, but it was only in her head. For some reason, she didn't feel the need to share her theories on this distressful betrayal.

"Besides, if she chose me I would've known,"

The confidence, in which Lena had said those words was a shocking sight. Dr. Gray hadn't expected Ms. Luthor to be so integrated after their last meeting. The one where the, _I would've known_ , portion of it was off the table.

"Well now that you do know," Gray crossed her legs, "what exactly are you going to do with this information?"

Lena smirked, raising her chin, "Oh I'll get over it," she waved, "but for now...I'm going to be a little dramatic."

Thus, the worries fell.

Dr. Gray knew, as a Luthor, what Lena was capable of. Anyone who knew Lex Luthor, or Superman, knew why Lex was the way he was, or at least they thought they did. As a shrink, it wasn's Melanie's job to tell Lena how to live her life, it was just her job to try and make it better. But this, the whole extra Luthor thing wasn't necessary. Mel knew though, that if there were ever a chance in hell that Lena Luthor would confront her feelings, this session wouldn't be called for.

"Maybe you should try talking to her first," Dr. Gray's tone was normal, but Lena was able to catch the worry in the woman's voice, "I'm sure she has an explanation for it,"

Lena scoffed, a smirked on her face as she quirked an eyebrow. "I'm paying you more than what you're worth and you're defending my problem? How is that supposed to help me?"

Mel glanced down at her notepad, narcissistic, was what she wanted to write down in her notes, but she hadn't dared to pick up her pen.

"You're paying me more than what I'm worth because you won't talk to anyone else." Mel raised a brow. "And as for defending your problem...I don't necessarily know what your problem is because all you've been talking about for the last two weeks was how someone you love betrayed you and not how you feel about it. When you come to a shrink you don't just tell them about why you're feeling a certain way, you tell them what you're feeling. Otherwise, we just have long conversations where you think I'm a diary because you're obviously surprised when I finally do give you advice."

Again, Lena was in denial, she _was_ telling Dr. Gray how she felt. "I feel betrayed," Lena nods.

"Why?"

"Because someone who I love betrayed me."

"Okay, and what exactly do you think I can do about that?"

"Well I don't know, _Dr. Gray_ ," Lena said, filled with sarcasm, "you're the one with the degree in psychology...you tell me."

Dr. Gray finally decided to write down more notes, sighing along the way, "Okay," she nodded, "well for the last two weeks the only thing that I've learned about Kara Danvers is that she loves you and love her, she betrayed you and you are, how can I say this, broken by the reality of it all. You have managed to convince yourself that you are lovable and the only person who has ever, in a long time, helped you test that theory was the very person who betrayed that trust. It hurts, but you refuse to face her because you're afraid that she's going to be gone forever. You refuse to look into the very eyes who saw you like something more but treated you like something less. This front, this confidence that you pretend to have, the inability to allow tears to fall from your eyes is what's going to rip Kara away from you. You're afraid, Lena, of being vulnerable with the only person who has ever made you so comfortable with being vulnerable because you don't trust her anymore. Now, I'm not asking you to trust her, but I am asking you to talk to her. There has to be a reason, a good reason, for someone to lie to you for years. Especially someone who has made you feel so prominent, and nine times out of ten, _to her_ , you _are_ -"

Finally.

"That's the time," Dr. Gray reached over onto the glass coffee table and stopped the one-hour timer.

Ms. Luthor had never been so relieved in her entire life. She could no longer bear to hear the truth, the one that hurt so much. Hearing someone else highlight her true feelings was embarring to her. The front that she thought she had put on, and so confidently, was like an invisible glass to Melanie and Lena hated that this woman could see straight through her. Just because Gray was a shrink didn't really mean that Lena actually wanted to get her help, let alone have her feelings resurface after trying so hard for these last few weeks to hide them. Tiny boxes burst eventually though, especially when you have so much to stuff in them at a time.

"Same time tomorrow?"

"Umm," Lena cleared her throat and stood up from the couch, "if I'm not busy getting ready for the Pulitzer awards, then yes."

 _So no, okay_. Melanie nodded. By this time, Mel could've sworn that she had known Lena like the back of her hand. Besides, Lena wasn't _actually_ going to the ceremony. Kara's ego was big enough for one fan, an important fan, to not show up. Not to mention, Lena had already told Kara ahead of time that she'd be busy with _work_ , which was just another way of saying drowning her sorrows in a tall bottle of scotch while she watched her " _best friend"_ accept the biggest award of her life.

******

Tonight was the night of dreams, the night of the Pulitzer awards that just so happened to be dedicated to the one and only Kara Danvers. The other hero of the world, that would've been destroyed if Kara had never decided to take off her cape and pick up her pen. One of the best decisions that she had ever made in her entire life. And she showed up serving looks, knowing that the ceremony would be on live television. Her hair was in the most perfect, sleek, half up half down do. She had worn a red off the shoulder dress that, without any remorse, squeezed her body and unintentionally placed her abs on full display. Alex's favorite part about the whole look was how the dress would drag on the ground when Kara, and not the mention that revealed one of Kara's amazing legs.

There were more people in the building than she ever would've imagined, but in a way, it still felt empty. In the last three days, Kara and Lena hadn't spoken to one another. Well, Lena hadn't spoken to Kara, but a conversation does go two ways, right? But right now, their messages were only a one-sided thing. Kara would occasionally ask if Lena had been okay, knowing what she was going through, and Lena would always reply with _I'm fine_. Until four hours ago when Kara had asked if Lena would show up tonight. There was surprisingly no excuse about work, so Kara had just assumed that that was what it was. But it wasn't

Oscar Moon was hosting this year, a former CatCo partner, and his voice was extremely annoying to Kara. She would occasionally tune out though, staring back at the aisle from her front-row seat in hopes that Lena would walk into the building. She would also check her phone, more than usual which made Alex, who sat next to her, wonder if everything was okay. Oscar's speech about journalism began to bore Kara even more, almost to a point where she wanted to leave. She thought that she would be enjoying this, standing on the stage and reaching for the microphone and looking at the large crowd before her.

Lena may not have been there physically, but she was definitely watching from her office at L-Corp, leaning on her desk with her legs cross. One of her hands busy with the scotch bottle top that rested on the desk, and the other busy holding a glass half full of scotch. This was what she meant by I'm busy with work.

When the award touched Kara's, she smiled, a real one this time, and walked over towards the podium to speak into the microphone. Her blue eyes landed gracefully onto the large crowd as she took a deep breath, the large smile still plastered on her face.

"Wow," Kara scoffs, "I never would've imagined being—standing here and accepting something like this. It's truly an honor."

"Whooo!" Alex hooted in excitement and it caused Kara to chuckle unintentionally. And again, her smile turned fake and she stared back down at the trophy, taking another deep breath. 

"All writers have some kind of...inspiration, and you would think that my inspiration is justice and it isn't, justice is my goal yeah," Kara nodded, looking back out into the crowd again, "but...my inspiration is...my best friend Lena Luthor." Just let me be mad at you, Lena thought to herself as she clenched her jaws out of annoyance. "Y'know, she was the reason that I became a reporter in the first place, she gave me the hope and the confidence that I never knew I had. And through all of this, she was there with me or there for me...when in reality I should've been there for her. I was doing an expose on her brother, someone who she loves someone who is her family, but just like me, Lena's goal was justice. And we achieved that goal, not just for ourselves, but for all of you...and we did it together..." she paused, glancing down at the trophy. "I know that it hurt her a lot to lose someone that she loved, again, but she did it because she isn't the Luthor that people think she is. She's different," Kara nodded again and looked up, "she's good, she's kind, she's strong, and most importantly...she's a hero...my inspiration."

As the crowd began to cheer again, Kara accidentally glanced at a camera and being greeted with the blue eyes caused Lena to sip her scotch. She knew that it was going to be hard, avoiding Kara for too long especially after this. It made everything so confusing for Lena, and the only thing that she could do was call Kara a hypocrite. Because how could Kara say all of those things and then lie to Lena's face every single day for four years now?

In so many ways Lena started to feel like an idiot and it brought tears to her eyes, finally. For the first time in a long, someone welcomed her into the world with open arms and saw past the very thing that stood out the most, that person was Kara. The same person who betrayed her, but also the same person who showed her the kind of unconditional love that she craved her entire life. Lena could never imagine a world without Kara which is why this hurt so much, because now there is a world without Kara because the Kara that Lena knew doesn't exist. The real Kara Danvers is a liar. The real Kara Danvers is Supergirl.

The green-eyed woman slammed her eyes shut as she sat down in her chair, her hand over her aching stomach as she began to sob uncontrollably, giving Kara Danvers the tears that she didn't deserve. Normally it would've been so easy for Lena to just be a woman and suck it all up, but at that moment, the one where Lex told Lena that Kara was lying to her face, something in Lena was lost...her ability to be truly loved.

******

Two hours later, when the Puliztler awards ended, Alex, J'onn, Nia, Kelly, James, and Brainy decided to go out for drinks with Kara who ended up canceling and leaving them to drink on their own. She didn't fly to L-Corp because she didn't feel like changing out of her dress, so instead, she took an Uber. Using the long drive to think about whether it was a good idea to go see Lena tonight or tomorrow morning, which was kind of why the drive was so long because she couldn't make up her mind so she had the driver going back and forth.

When they had gone to Lena's penthouse, Lena wasn't there so she had the driver take her to L-Corp. There was a soft knock on Lena's office door, causing her to look up from the computer and lock eyes with one of her least favorite blondes.

"Hi," Kara smiled as she entered, closing the door behind her, "I brought food,"

The Big Belly Burger bag didn't necessarily change Lena's mind about Kara being in her office, "I'm kind of busy right now—"

"Oh I know," Kara nodded, walking over to Lena's desk and sitting down in the chair in front of it, "I just wanted to see how you were doing."

"Right, because I didn't show up to your little award ceremony." Lena scoffed. "My brother just died. Could you be any more insensitive?"

Kara stammers, "um—tha-that's why I'm here. I don't care about you not showing up, I know you're going through things...I just wanted to stop by and see how you were doing."

"I'm sorry-"

"No no it's fine," Kara assured, shaking her head. "I probably did come off as a little insensitive, maybe because normally you'd pretend that everything is okay and not let me be there for you and I thought that maybe that's what you wanted."

 _So thoughtful_ , Lena drank to that and then placed the newly empty glass back down on the black coaster. "That's never what I want, no matter how many times I say it."

"Yeah, I've learned that about you," Kara nodded, "just like I have learned that when you're working like this you tend to miss meals. So could you please eat," she pushed the bag of food closer to Lena, "it'll really make me feel better."

 _And there she goes again making things about her_ , Lena rolled her eyes...internally of course. "What do you need to feel better about?"

Kara nervously pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose and leaned back in her chair, crossing her legs, "well I feel responsible for Lex's death," _partially, yes_ , Lena thought, _but go on_. "If I hadn't written that expose Supergirl wouldn't have...y'know."

"Mmm, Supergirl," Lena scoffed, and Kara glanced down to, and fiddled with, her fingers as silence took over the office until Lena decided to take the floor again. "Do you trust me, Kara?"

"Of course I do," the blonde nodded with a serious look on her face, "more than you know."

"Are you sure?"

Kara nodded again, "I'm positive." Then Lena thought that maybe if she told Kara a secret that she would get her to tell her one too.

"I was in a prison...with Supergirl, we were trying to get some dirt on Lex, y'know," Lena's voice was low and clam and Kara nodded. "I found a date in one of the pieces on a chessboard in his cell." She paused, Kara, looking up from her fingers. "I told Supergirl that it was the date that the Romanov's were executed in Russia but...I was lying." And there was another pause. She leaned back in her chair, head slightly tilted while searching for Kara's eyes. "It was actually the death of..." Lena shrugged, licking her lips, "I don't even remember his name, but...he was um...I used him as a lab rat to test the Harun-El."

For a moment, there was silence while Kara had glanced out the window as she licked her lips. Lena, on the other hand, stared at the blonde woman before her, waiting for her to say something. Anything. 

"I should've told you—"

"No, you don't have to explain. You're a scientist, they go through things like this all the time...trying to cure cancer and all, which you did halfway manage to do, congratulations by the way." Kara shrugged, looking back into Lena's innocent green eyes. "Besides, I know he had your permission and was thoroughly informed of the circumstances."

Lena clenched her jaws, internally rolling her eyes again. _Why was Kara so goddamn understanding?_ Why was it so easy for her to see Lena's light? It was so true though, Lena could see it clearly, Kara really wanted her to be good. She believed in Lena no matter what and right now it was showing. All of her pureness, her hope, and Lena hated it. Lena hated that she believed that Kara kept her secret because she didn't trust her because Kara obviously did trust Lena...more than Lena knew and that was also showing.

"Of course he was," the brunette admitted, then she admitted something else, a smooth subject changer, "congratulations though," Lena referred to the Pulitzer ceremony, "I was watching and I appreciate those things that you said but you really didn't have to give me all of that credit."

"I did actually," Kara smiled softly, "because you deserve it. You really are my inspiration Lena, one of the strongest people that I've ever met in my life, and I wouldn't have been able to do any of that without you. Which is why," the blonde stood up from the chair after checking her watch, walking around Lena's desk, "I know that you'll be able to get through this."

Lena's eyes slammed shut the instant Kara's lips touched her cheek. It was annoying, how calming it was to have the same lips that lied to her touch her face. The smell of blueberries that filtered Kara's scent made it worse, Lena loved blueberries. What were her reasons for trying to keep a secret so huge from someone that she obviously cared so much about? Lena wondered about it, hoping that Kara's intentions were pure, always pure, still pure.

"Anyway, Alex and...friends are still at Al's celebrating for me, so I'll go catch up with them and give you some space." Kara's scent was now distant as she started to walk away, still looking back at Lena. "But if you need anything, I'm only one call away."

The brunette gave Kara a soft smile as she watched her walk to the door. 

"Hey, Kara?" The blonde turned and met with green eyes. "If you'd like, we could celebrate together tomorrow? Just you and I? I wanna make up for not showing up tonight."

"You don't have to," Kara responded, shaking her head, "it's fine really. You have a lot going on and I understand if you need time-"

"I'll pay for the food?"

Kara scoffs, "are you trying to bribe me?"

"Not trying, the smirk on your face shows that surely it's working." Lena pointed cockily. "How does three sound?"

The blonde tugged at her bottom lip in a horrible attempt to hide her smile as she stared at Lena, "three sounds great."

After her words of consent, Kara continued her journey out of Lena's office. When she was finally gone, Lena sighed, slowly lifting her hand to wipe away the soothing kiss from her cheek. Her idea of celebrating was actually her trying to create an environment where Kara felt safe enough to come out to her. She wanted to hear Kara say it on her own, to admit why she was lying all these years. Whether it be because she doesn't trust Lena, even though she said she had, or simply because she didn't want to. Either way, there had to be a reason. And Lena hoped that it was a good one.


	2. Perfect For Nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A long day with Kara leads to something a bit more...devastating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't really know how to feel about this one.

"I took your advice, or at least I tried," Lena shrugged. She was back, again, in Melanie's office because she didn't have anyone else to talk about this with. It was a little disappointing that Mel was right and Lena had to come to terms with it. "I couldn't look into her eyes for too long cause she was so... _her_."

" _Her?_ " Mel furrowed her eyebrows.

"Sweet, caring, nice, optimistic, selfless, hopeful, faithful, ambitious, affectionate, compassionate, amiable, considerate, diligent, empathetic, passionate-"

"Ms. Luthor?"

"Sorry I just...I didn't show up for one her biggest lifechanging moments and she was so..." the green-eyed woman paused and fiddled with her fingers, "so sweet about it. It was like she doesn't even matter when she's with me because she makes everything about me. Maybe that's why she didn't tell me, because I always have something going on and even I could tell that she doesn't want to be selfish and make everything about her."

Dr. Gray wrote down some notes and she was rather astonished by Lena's coming out. These last two weeks has been about trying to come to terms with the fact that Kara betrayed Lena, but today was different. Today, Lena was willing to talk about _why_ and how she felt about it. That means that progress was being made, and in this case, progress was good.

"How does that make you feel?"

For a moment, Lena thought about what she was going to say, contemplating on whether or whether not she should actually say how she's feeling instead of how she felt, _betrayed_. This new feeling was different, a feeling that she had never felt before. Better yet, a feeling that she had never felt with anyone other than Kara. Kara Danvers was the only person who made Lena feel this way. The only one who was able to reach upon Lena's stubbornness and assured that she was able to see the world as something more vibrant.

"Forgiving," Lena said, barely above a whisper, "but I don't want to forgive her until I know why. And what makes it worse is that..." was she ready to say that part? No, but did she? Of course not. So, she decided to change the subject. "I wanted to make up for not showing up for her last night, but I don't know if I can spend the day with her without showing how I'm feeling and I don't want her to know that I know because I want her to tell me when she's ready."

"What if she is ready? What if she has been ready longer than you thought but she just doesn't know how to say it because just as you are afraid of losing her, she's afraid of losing you?"

_"Kara please, I am trying to apologize to you, that explosion could have killed you,"_

_"It wouldn't have,"_

Lena's eyes widened. Dr. Gray was right. Maybe Kara was ready but she didn't know how to say it, or she did know how to say it but Lena just made it harder every time she...

_"Lena-"_

_"I don't...let my guard down and I did with Eve and she betrayed me. I let her in and she lied to me, every day to my face about who she was. And that's what hurts, I don't know if I'll ever recover from it but I know there is no way that I could ever trust anyone ever again if it wasn't for your friendship and your integrity. Just it...it means the world to me, Kara."_

_"I...will always be here for you,"_

"Ms. Luthor-"

"She tried to tell me," Lena scoffed, burying her back into the fluffy pillows in the gray couch in Mel's office, "I was this close, "she gestured, "to finding it out from her but I wouldn't shut up. Everything is always about me because I make it about me."

Melanie wrote down more notes, shortly before she crossed her legs and stared at Lena who stared out the window. "You're a powerful woman Ms. Luthor, but sometimes powerful people are granted with crazy obstacles that may seem impossible to get past. Do you know why?"

"Because getting past them makes you stronger,"

"Exactly," Dr. Gray nodded, "this isn't just your obstacle though. It's also Kara's, and Kara wears a symbol on her chest that stands for stronger together. So in order for you guys to get past this, you have to do it together. I understand that you want her to tell you herself, but it's obvious that she's struggling to do that alone. You have to let her know, whether it's in a dramatic way or not. And trust me when I say, it will go downhill, but your love for Kara isn't normal, and with that, I'm sure that the two of you can accomplish anything together if you really want to. It gets worse before it gets better and that's the best part about any relationship. The journey-"

The coffee table vibrated, but it wasn't the timer that went off, it was Lena's phone. The two women both looked at the phone screen, a picture of Lena and Kara took over the display along with Kara's name. Melanie nodded for Lena to answer and in the midst of picking up the phone, she checked the time and then let out a sigh.

"Kara? Hi, I'm so sorry-"

"It's fine," Kara chuckled on the other end of the phone, "I think we both lost track of time because I just finished up an article on Kuttler. But, I hope that we're still on? If you're not busy?"

"Yes! I mean no. I mean yes, I mean no I'm not busy, but yes w-we're still on," Mel raised an eyebrow, but it was a good thing that Lena wasn't paying attention, "w-where are you? I could call you a car and I'll meet you there,"

"Ummm, thanks, but I could-I could just take the bus," Kara replied, "where are we going?"

"Well it's a surprise," Lena nodded, "which is why I should call you a car,"

Kara sighed and rolled her eyes, a useless gesture since no one had been around to witness it, "fine. But I do have to make a few stops."

"Okay, I'll see you soon,"

The call was over now, and Lena still hadn't paid any attention to Mel. Because if she did, she would probably have to explain what that was, how nervous, yet giddy, she had become when she answered that phone and was greeted with Kara's calming voice. At least Mel knew why it was so hard for Lena to be dramatic now. It was because Kara changed Lena's entire demeanor. The simple fact that even Kara's voice changed the way Lena felt about the situation said a lot about their relationship. So much more, that Melanie started to think that their relationship _was_ something more. Or at least it could've been. But she would've never asked because she knew that Lena would never admit to having those kinds of feelings for Kara. At least not before Lena realized she had them herself.

"Aren't you going to leave?" Dr. Gray raised her brow again while Lena busied herself by neatly shoving her phone into her purse.

"We still have twenty minutes left," Lena replied, "so the journey. How do you know when it's coming to an end?"

 _Oh_. Dr. Gray was surprised by Lena's interest on _this_ particular topic. 

"Do you see Kara in your life ten years from now?"

There was no answer, instead, Lena stared up at the ceiling at the skylight. She couldn't necessarily look at her future while her present was crapy as hell. So instead, Lena asked _herself_ a question. _Does Kara see me in her life ten years from now?_ There was only one way to find out. But for now, all Lena could do was shrug her shoulders.

"I don't know, it's hard for me to look past everything right now," _does that mean the journey is over_ , the green-eyed woman thought to herself.

"Well, when you're able to answer that question clearly, without any hesitation or thought, you'll know."

 _Right_. Lena smiled softly and reached for her purse as she stood up from the couch. She wouldn't have lasted the last fifteen minutes because there was so much tension and she felt as if she was being entirely too open, for the first time ever, with someone who wasn't Kara.

******

It was a little under thirty minutes after Lena's call that Kara had finally arrived at her destination. It wasn't an unusual thing for her to be surprised by Lena, but it was a surprise that Lena would have chosen National City's Orchestra Museum for today. Of all the years that they've known each other, Lena never showed any interest in music, or if she did Kara didn't really pay it any attention. 

While Kara waited though, she waltzed around and _accidentally_ took an entire platter of potstickers which was obviously an addition of Lena's choice. So far, the surprise was going well. Mostly because she was distracted by the food and ignoring the music that was actually supposed to be the actual focus. There were times where she would text Lena and ask where she was, but there was never a reply. Which at this point, Kara was slowly becoming used to. 

And then more time went by, thirty more minutes to be exact and Kara had become bored. She called Lena four times, and then she became worried but was soon distracted by a guy who came up to her and started talking to her about random things. He must've been bored, or nervous, Kara couldn't really tell because she was so busy looking out for Lena. Eventually, he stopped, then he left, and Kara was left alone. Not to mention she was kind of forced to listen to the music now because she didn't have anyone blabbing into her ears.

The song was familiar, and for some reason, it sounded better this way. There were no lyrics, it was just the distant piano that you wouldn't have noticed if you didn't pay attention and then the loud and beautiful violin that was obviously the main focus. It was her first too, listening to something so raw and beautiful, and it distracted her from Lena. Or it did for a moment...until she turned to face the stage. She was almost convinced that music couldn't be more beautiful. But it was.

It was loud, clear, smooth, calming, brilliant, vibrant, and...it was Lena, who played with such focus and passion. Kara never loved the violin more in her life, and for the first time tonight, she smiled at something that wasn't food, someone, and it was real. Just as real as the pureness that Lena had generated. Not to mention the fact that she wore all white, _angelic_. 

Kara had never seen Lena in all white, so there were about seven firsts that happened tonight, only three of which Kara was willing to share. 

She made her through the thick crowd when the song changed from _Dusk Till Dawn_ to _Just The Way You Are_ , which was played even softer. Kara's smiled grew, and she would unintentionally close her eyes at every single smooth high note that Lena would play. But she was soon at a point where she had to keep her eyes closed because the music was just so... _so_.

The crowd had interrupted Kara's peace as the song had come to an end. She opened her eyes, still smiling unintentionally. There was no telling what her reasons for smiling so hard were at this point because she was so overwhelmed with joy and couldn't wait for Lena to get off the stage.

On her way down, she waved and smiled at Kara, all while thanking the cheering crowd.

"Holy Rao!" Kara excitedly pulled Lena into a hug. "That was freaking amazing! Why didn't you tell me that you could play?"

"It never crossed my mind," Lena shrugged, "and I'm so sorry that I'm late. There was traffic and-"

Kara interrupted with a huge smile on her face that displayed most of her pearly whites, "you can be late for everything for the rest of our lives if you show up like that,"

And there it was, Lena's answer, falling right from Kara's mouth with no intention. Kara did see Lena in her future, and for some reason, even if Kara's future only meant tomorrow, Lena didn't mind because it was something. It was more than now, more time, more smiles, more laughs...more Kara.

"You know, that was my very first time hearing a violin up close and personal." The blonde admitted. "I never knew how raw and vibrant it was-wow. I don't know how to feel right now, but I am so proud of you, you were so good..."

Everything after that was all a blur because it was happening again, Lena was losing herself in Kara's blue eyes that were currently felt with so much love and passion. The best part of it all was the fact that this was how Kara looked when she talked about Lena. _Happy_. Every...single...time.

In a way, this was kind of annoying. This wasn't how Lena was expecting her afternoon to go. She didn't expect for Kara to swoon over her, or even like that so much. But Lena loved how Kara got so excited and passionate over the smallest little things. It was adorable.

Lena wanted to talk about something serious though. Kara was Supergirl, and Lena needed her to know that she knew or it was going to break her in ways that she would've never imagined that she could be broken. Then she started to think about how Kara would feel, and about what Melanie had said. _Just help her get ready_. Well, Melanie didn't technically say that, but that's totally what she meant. Right?

"Lena?"

"Yes? Sorry, um...I was umm, did you eat already?"

It only took a few seconds for Kara to figure Lena out, there was something wrong, and Kara could tell because confident CEO Lena didn't stammer. Especially not over the phone and definitely not after she was practically demanding an entire building.

"Are you okay?" The blonde tilted her head to get a better look at her friend.

Lena smiled, a fake one, as she looked into Kara's eyes. The way they could literally stare right into her soul scared the living shit out of her, but it also made her feel safe...home.

"I'm fine, I just need a good distraction that's all," said Lena, "follow me,"

 _When you say you're fine, you're really not and it didn't take that long for me to learn that about you_ , was what Kara wanted to say but instead, she just nodded and watched Lena walk off, following her shortly after.

They went up a set of spiral stairs, getting a better view of the orchestra museum before walking out onto a large balcony filled with sleek glass tables. As much as Kara wanted to smile at the outdoor dining, she couldn't because she knew that something was going with Lena, and it couldn't have been Lex. Maybe it was about the guy who she killed when testing the Harun-El. Why else would she have told Kara about it out of the blue?

"Did you make reservations before or after the ceremony?" Kara approached one of the tables, their table, and played with the card with her name on it before sitting down.

"After you left my office last night," Lena replied, sitting down shortly after Kara, "normally you'd have to wait twenty-four hours but..." the brunette leaned forward, "I'm a billionaire."

Normally Kara wouldn't find those kinds of things funny, and she didn't, she only smiled because Lena did.

"Are you okay?" This time, it was Lena who had sensed a change in Kara demeanor.

Kara nodded, "yeah I'm just...I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything."

Lena rolled her eyes as she sighed, "I said I'm fine Kara. I get it, you care a lot, but there really isn't anything to talk about. If there was, you'd know."

The blue-eyed woman glanced at the beautiful sunset and murmured, "that's not true,"

"Excuse me?"

"Lena, you never tell me when something is bothering you until someone else finds out and they threaten to do it for you. If it has something to do with Lex, all you have to do is say so and we can leave it alone. It's hard for me to enjoy a night with you when you're not okay."

"Well, it's hard for me to enjoy your presence when you're keeping secrets," _fuck_ , Lena thought. She didn't mean for that to slip out.

"Secrets?" Kara furrowed her eyebrows. "I don't know what you're talking about-"

"Stop," Lena slammed her eyes shut, refusing to look into Kara's eyes while she lied to her, _again_. "Please, Kara, because I _cannot_ take any more of your bullshit."

"What are you talking about?"

Slowly, Lena stood up from her chair and pulled it over near Kara's where she sat down. Kara was so confused as to why Lena's eyes were tearing up, and why those tears were rolling down her cheeks. She placed her hand on Kara's cheek and pulled the blonde closer.

"I am so sorry," Lena sobbed.

"It's okay," Kara assured, placing her hand over Lena's. The touch of Kara's soft hand over Lena's made her close her eyes again and think about what she was going to do next. But there was no time for thinking because Lena thought about anything, the rest of the night would be extremely awkward and Kara would get extremely clingy and worried and Lena didn't want that.

So she placed her other hand on Kara's cheek and slowly, she removed Kara's glasses from her face. And that...that was the moment where everything changed. Kara's heart was pounding in her chest, and it felt like she was trapped underwater. It became harder for her to breathe the longer Lena stared into her eyes, which were now pools of water.

"Lena-"

" _How_ could you lie to me like that? For years I-" Lena gasped for air, "I trusted you and you just-"

"I'm sorry-"

"That you got caught,"

In an instant, her hands were gone. Then Lena was gone and Kara was all alone, lost in the mess that she created. The inevitability of Lena finding out was now the reality that Kara had hoped was forbidden. She couldn't focus on how Lena knew because right now, she wondered how was she going to get her back. It wasn't okay, and neither was Kara.


	3. It Feels Good To You, Does't It?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara an Lena confront each other but Lena is still being dramatic even though she thinks she isn’t. James also discovers that he misses Lena, but who wouldn’t?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started writing this book on July 17, 2019, and so far I’ve been consistent. However, school has started back and I have a job so I’m not sure how often I’ll be updating. But I hope you guys enjoy, and I appreciate the feedback.

For the last six hours, Kara cried until she couldn't anymore. The trail of tears on either side of her face dried up by sunrise, and her pillow was damp along with the blonde hair that was fanned out on it. Her eyes were a light pink, and even she thought that she was high.

She was currently in the deepest state of devastation, one that she never knew existed. She never felt like this, like her world was gone, because this was a first. A piece of her...the best parts of her was gone, and there was nothing that she could do to get them back. 

Lena knew, and yet, Kara refused to think about how Lena had found out because that...that would be bad to think about. It would make everything worse if Kara had to find out how long Lena knew that she was lying right to her face. Kara wondered about what she was going to do to make everything all better. She _had_ to make it better because she _needed_ Lena in her life, more than she ever knew and it was so painful that it was Kara this time who ruined Lena's ability to ever trust again.

Everything that she watched Lena suffer through was happening again, and it was all Kara's fault this time. Why didn't she say anything? Why was it so hard for her to just be honest with someone who she loved so dearly.

Only Kara could answer that, and she refused to say it out loud, how selfish she was. Because she _was_ selfish. And it didn't take her a long time to realize it because she _always_ knew, ever since she had made the choice of sending Mon-El off, she's known.

Kara glanced over at her beeping alarm clock before punching it and accidentally breaking the entire nightstand. She sighed as everything shattered, but wasn't going to do anything to fix it because for some reason she found herself not giving a crap. It did, however, take her thirty minutes to get dressed which was approximately twenty-nine minutes and forty-five seconds longer than usual.

Then she took fifteen extra minutes to make coffee because she wasn't making any stops. Not because she didn't want to, but because she was actually taking the bus today. Wait, did Lena know Kara was lying about flying on a bus? Well, if she didn't then, she does now.

Anyway, the bus ride was annoyingly calming. Kara had a window seat, and even though she looked like a freshly cleaned crack head, she also looked soft. Her hair was pulled up into a sloppy, but cute, effortless bun and the pastel blue sweater that she'd been wearing over a white button-up brought out her low blue eyes.

Watching everything go by through a window was nothing compared to flying, but it did manage to have the same effect. Having everything slow down in your life for once was astonishingly therapeutic for Kara. And when it was over, she wished that it hadn't been because in those eleven minutes she thought more about her life than ever.

"Jesus Christ, are you blinde lady?" A man reacted to bumping into Kara's hard shoulder when she got off of the elevator at CatCo.

"X-Ray vision," she sipped her coffee while staring right ahead at the back of James' head. Snapper was standing next to him, and apparently, they were talking to someone.

Kara knew she was late, two hours and seven minutes to be exact, which was why she wanted to avoid Snapper, but James turned around and waved, which caused Snapper to look back too.

"Danvers? You're late,"

"Mhm," Kara sipped her coffee again, "I had to pull an all-nighter crying myself to sleep, which unfortunately didn't work which would explain my eyes. I'm totally not high. Or under the influence-Lena? Hi, I didn't see you there-"

"I was just leaving," Lena interrupted, "Mr. Olsen, please don't forget to reschedule the board meetings for six,"

James nodded and started to talk with Snapper again while Kara watched Lena walk away. The blonde was searching for a form of embarrassment for what she just said out loud but couldn't find any. Or if she did find any, it only lasted for a while, because when Lena got into the elevator she stared back at Kara before pushing a button and letting the door separate their eye contact.

Kara glanced down at the floor at that moment, the one where Snapper left James' office and James placed his hand on Kara's shoulder.

"Are you okay?" He asked, his voice soft and gentle at the sense of something being wrong with Kara.

"Yeah," she lied instantly and looked up into James', "yeah I'm awesome. Never better...you know."

"Mhm," he folded his arms, "you just said, out loud, that you tried to cry yourself to sleep last night but it didn't work. Not to mention Dreamer stopped a robbery at the Bank of National before Supergirl could which is fairly impossible."

Kara cleared her throat and glanced down at the floor again. Just thinking about it, about losing Lena forever, made her feel like she was drowning. Again, her heart was pounding in her chest that was all of a sudden becoming tight. For the first time ever, she hurt physically as a result of being confused and hurt mentally and emotionally...which was confusing.

"Do you know what it feels like when you're...when you've been trying to do something and you get so close but not close enough? It's like..." she gasped, "drowning repeatedly and then coming back to life while you're in still the water and eventually you forget what it feels like to breathe air, and every time you come back you try to reach the surface but you're not fast enough. That's how I feel, and it hurts-"

As Kara burst into tears, James pulled her into a hug and held her closely. 

"She knows," Kara sobbed into James' chest, "and I couldn't tell her myself."

"But you still can," He mumbled, "you can go to her right now-"

"She doesn't want anything to do with me right now, the best thing I can do is give her some space,"

James cleared his throat as he pulled away from Kara so that he could look into her eyes his hands resting on her shoulders. "Lena loves you, Kara, and whether she shows it or not, she wants _everything_ to do with you. It would be easier for both of you to just walk away and get over it, but the Kara Danvers that I know never does anything the easy way. You were the one who said that you would never stop fighting in what you believed in. You believe in Lena," James nodding assuringly, "so you have to fight for her."

Kara smiled up at James softly and nodded her head. But was she really going to go to Lena right now after showing up to wor two hours late? Of course, she was, but should she? Definitely.

James, however, wanted to keep going with his inspirational speech but if he did he would've made it about himself. Explaining how much it hurt him that Lena left, and how much he missed her, and how bad he wanted to show up at her office right now would make Kara tell him to go instead, but he wasn't selfish enough to turn the tables on himself which was why he let go of Kara's shoulders and smiled back.

"I'll cover for you if you want," 

"Thank you," She collapsed her hands together before jogging off somewhere where she could change into her Supersuit.

James smiled when he saw the blue and red blur that shot past the large window, but it only lasted two seconds. The second being him realizing that no one was there for him when he needed them the most, not in a sense of him being physically disturbed, but emotionally. If only he had the power to get to Lena's office in the midst of three seconds...which was exactly what Kara had done.

She landed ever so gently on the balcony and saw that no one was there, which was a good thing because she wasn't ready to be Kara Danvers in her Supersuit around Lena yet. Not because she was afraid, but because she was still coming to terms with the fact that Lena _did_ know.

But even though Kara wanted to change, she didn't because apparently today was all about doing things that scared her. In this case, it was being honest and telling Lena the reason why she kept this part of herself away. 

Kara repeatedly tapped her thumbs together as she walked into Lena's office. And there it was, that feeling where it felt like her heart needed five hundred thousand acres to beat but only hand three. She tried taking deep breaths, but that didn't work. Standing didn't work, and neither did sitting. Then she tried to levitate, but she considered that as flexing, so she just paced and thought about running onto the balcony and jumping off before Lena got here.

But when that thought managed to manifest, Kara found herself looking up at the opening door and then struggling to form a sentence.

"What are you doing here?" Lena glared as she closed the door, refusing to take another step.

"Umm...I-I wanted to um...explain..." There was no reason for her eyes to be watering, right? But they were. "I wanted to tell you, really, but I just-"

"We could build an entire universe of all the things you wanted to do. You've had four years to explain, but instead, you lied to me. To my face, every single day for years and yet you claimed to be my best friend. I don't-I don't understand Kara I-" The brunette sniffled and tried to blink the water from her eyes, "I trusted you and-and you said you trusted me so why-"

"I wanted to tell you-"

"Then why the hell didn't you do it?!" The tears finally fell from Lena's eyes as her anger finally surfaced. "Was it because I didn't give you a chance, was it because you thought I was going to go all Lex-"

"No," Kara shook her head and took a step forward, causing Lena to unintentionally flinch at the sudden attempt to close their distance. "No, I just..." the blonde licked her lips and took a deep breath. "I was being selfish okay?" She finally admitted. "I wanted to tell you just as much as I wanted to keep it away." Does that make any sense? "No one has ever made me feel more human than you do, Lena, and it's selfish I-I know. I should've-I should've thought more about how this would impact you but I only thought about me and my happiness, and I am _so_ sorry." Lena sniffled again while watching the tears fall from Kara's eyes. "I...I love you, Lena, and I would never do anything to purposely hurt you because seeing you hurt, hurts me."

This time it was Lena who found herself closing the distance, "good," she nodded, staring into Kara's watery eyes, the eyes that scared Lena the most, "because I hurt...and you," Lena breathed a shaky breath as she walked even closer to Kara, " you...are the reason."

Silence had crept into the office and the women stared into each other's eyes, Lena trying to focus on her broken reflection. Focusing on her hurt, on what Kara had done to her. How could someone who made you feel so special and different all of a sudden make you feel like you mean nothing? Lena has never felt so betrayed in her life, but she couldn't admit that. She couldn't stand here and tell Kara that she loved her too because Lena knew that that was exactly what Kara wanted to hear. What she _needed_ to hear.

Kara, on the other hand, felt like she was looking into a mirror. Her own reflection, the better half of her, was staring back at her with the same look that she was staring at _it_ with. A look filled with pain, distress, and yet calamity. All of her perfection was highlighted by her flaws. She searched, for the perfect view, a streak of happiness but there were none. Because all of it...every five feet and six inches of it was, in fact, Kara's happiness. The most beautiful reflection that Kara had ever seen in her entire life was right in front of her, and though it was in tears because of Kara's own selfish actions, she was still flawless from what Kara could see.

No mirror could display what Kara's eyes were seeing, everything that was inside of her. The beauty, the perfection, and the pain. It was there, in Lena's eyes that Kara was losing herself in. But then she focused on what Lena _could_ see, Kara's puffy pink eyes that refused to tear up again. And Lena hated how much she loved those eyes that, even though Kara _was_ guilty of something, seemed so innocent.

"Do you feel that?" Lena broke the silence, her voice filled with rage, placing her hand on Kara's neck and caressing her jawline with her thumb, "that's me. That...is my hurt, " they continued to stare into each other's eyes, "but it feels good to you. Doesn't it?"

Of course, it did, and it also felt good to Lena, feeling Kara trembling underneath her soft and gentle touch was, in many ways satisfying as it was shocking. Lena felt powerful as the knowledge of having the strongest person alive being so weak at her touch settled in. 

"Doesn't it?"

Kara's eyes slammed shut and another tear rolled down her cheek on the same path as she the others while she slowly nodded her head yes and placed her hand atop of Lena's. The brunette instantly pulled away and wiped aggressively at the newly falling tears.

"Get out of my office,"

Now, where exactly do they go from here? Because Kara still saw Lena in her future, even after all of this, even with the thought of Lena not being able to love or trust her ever again, Kara looked past all of it and stared at a soft and beautiful smile that Lena would be giving her in the future. And Lena could finally answer Dr. Gray's question.

******

"I do see her in my future," Lena nodded, "is it shocking? Yes. And if you were there to witness how devastated she was-how devastated we were, you'd be just as surprised as me."

Melanie wrote down notes. She adored Lena's ability to see past all of that and see a future where everything was okay. The progress, in the midst of these last two days, was more than the progress of the last two weeks and it was beautiful.

"And how are you managing the whole drama queen thing?" 

"I'm not," Lena shrugged with confidence, "I can't because I-" she stopped herself and took a deep breath. Was she ready to say that out loud? "I can't because every time I look into her eyes all I see is her pain, how hurt she is that she hurt me. And if I didn't see that, then I would see her pureness. The beauty of guilt that she has for lying. I tend to lose myself in her, every single time, and it...it really annoys me that it feels so good. It's like looking into heaven"

 _Oh_. Melanie nodded, lifting an eyebrow. Now she _had_ to test her theory because it was the right _and_ healthy thing to do at this point. People don't say things like that about friends. The passion in Lena's eyes when she talked about all of the good things about Kara, Mel _had_ to do it. And she did.

"Is that the only reason?" Dr. Gray questioned.

"No," Lena shook her head, "she's so understanding and she's been so patient with me and I love that about her, you know? No one has ever been able to understand me like Kara, and right now I hate it because of the position that we're in, but the fact that she was always able to see past my relation to Lex from the day we met, means so much to me. I don't want to lose her, but I don't want her to think that this won't change us. Because it will it-it has."

"Mhm," _sounds like love to me_ , Mel wanted to say that aloud, but would rather ease into the conversation. "Now," she cleared her throat, "let's talk about your love life. How is that going? More specifically, what was your last romantic relationship like? Did they understand you?"

Lena smiled and squinted her eyes a bit at Dr. Gray, "what does my love life have to do with anything?"

"Well, sometimes people aren't aware of why they need someone in their life. In this case, I want to know if you needing or wanting Kara in your life has anything to do with a bad experience in the romance field. Those kinds of relationships have a harder impact on one's soul than a friendship does. So," Dr. Gray cocked an eyebrow, "your last relationship?"

"Ummm," Lena cleared her throat, "well, we weren't necessarily a perfect match. We met after I bought the company that he worked for, for Kara, and he practically saw nothing but a reflection of Lex Luthor in me. Then he started to like me because of whatever Supergirl told him and it went from there."

"From there to where?"

"To us kissing in his office and then me telling him, the next day, that I wasn't interested-"

"Lena?" Dr. Gray interrupted. "You're talking about the journey, not the experience. I want to know about your feelings if you loved him and how did he make you feel."

Lena sighed, tugging at her bottom lip. It wasn't hard for her to talk about that terrible mistake, but to finally state her feeling for James out loud made her feel a certain way. Like she was lifting a weight off her chest.

"He was offensive," Lena admitted, "he doubted me in ways that I never knew to be possible but he still said he loved me. I never said it back, because I wouldn't have meant it in the same way. I cared for him, mostly because he was Kara's friend and so was I."

"So, you dated Kara's friend? Who was offensive, but loved you and doubted you at the same time? You're a smart woman, why would you do that?"

"Because Kara convinced me to, she saw that James had a crush and was doing her friend a favor and I didn't want to let her down," Lena shrugged. It seemed stupid when she finally said that out loud. She wasted nearly a year of her life just so she wouldn't let Kara down. Her love life literally revolved around Kara Danvers. "It sounds stupid when I say it out loud, but.."

Dr. Gray pressed her lips together before speaking, "do you think that maybe you exercised those feelings with James because you were ignoring the feelings that you have for Kara-" Lena scoffed at that thought, her mouth wide open and the look on her face displaying astonishment. "Every time you talk about Kara something lights up inside of you, and as much as you try to hide it, you can't. I think you are in love with Kara Danvers, either that or you're simply just obsessed with her. Or both," Mel shrugged, "either way, you can't deny those feelings for too long."

"I'm not in love with Kara," Lena shook her head, "I love her, yes, but she's my friend. My best friend,"

Dr. Gray looked down into her lap and wrote down more notes. _Denial_ , she wrote.

"You're in denial, that's good, it just means that your journey will be more interesting," Mel nodded, "but...I do want you to consider bringing Kara to one of your sessions or even recommending therapy to her because just like you, she’s going through things too. So you have to think about her feelings in this, especially when you know that she’s thinking about yours.”

Kara and Lena can’t be in a therapy session together, not right now anyways. They would have to try and get back to a place where they could at least have a conversation without crying or yelling. Their relationship was rocky right now, and it was getting even more complicated with the fact that Lena had to actually think about having romantic feelings for Kara.

”It’ll be a while before Kara and I can sit in a room together, I’d rather fix the communication part on our own terms. Right now,” Lena sighed, “I think we both just need a little space to think this out.”

Melanie nodded, “don’t put too much of a distance between the two of you. Communication wise I mean,”

Communication wise? Lena thought about that, keeping Melanie Gray’s words at the top of her head and kept them there for the rest of the session which was only five more minutes.

After, Lena went home and she was still thinking about what Melanie had said about communication. Everyone knew, or should know, that communication is one of the biggest parts of any relationship. Especially one like this one. So, Lena decided to be the bigger person.

 **Lena** : _I understood everything you said earlier, I’m just still processing everything_. **9:46pm**

 **Lena** : _I love you too_. **9:53pm**

If Kara had cared to look over at her phone that sat on the empty pillow next to her, she would’ve been able to sleep peacefully. But she didn’t check her phone, instead, she repeated the same coping mechanism as she had done last night...trying to cry herself to sleep but failed. It was going to be a long night, for both of them because Lena was up too, waiting for a reply.


	4. Should’ve Loved Me Harder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James finally decides to confront his feelings for Lena who is currently coming to terms with her own feelings for someone else. Meanwhile, Kara is taking advice from Alex and something else from an old friend.

It was two in the morning and Kara still hadn’t found a way to put herself to sleep. She tried counting sheep, five-hundred-forty-three to be exact. She tried crying, but there weren’t any more tears left apparently. And she tried the most basic sleeping tactic, closing her eyes. But that didn’t work out so well because all she could see was Lena’s green eyes, the ones that were unfortunately in so much pain.

The dim room, where Kara stared up at the ceiling, was prompted with a light from her phone when it vibrated on the pillow next to her. Who would have been texting her this late? Maybe Alex? Maybe J’onn? Maybe even James, but for what? She wondered. And out of curiosity, she checked.

 **Lena** : _Are you up?_ **2:41 am**

Kara turned on her side, flipping her hair out of her face and instantly replying to Lena’s message. Or she would’ve replied right away if she hadn’t seen the messages from earlier. For a moment, Kara let that sink in, allowing the beautiful feeling of relief to sink in.

 **Kara** : _Yes_. **2:42 am**

 **Kara** : _Why? Is everything okay?_ **2:42 am**

 **Lena** : _Having trouble sleeping_. **2:43 am**

Even Lena was surprised by the message. She felt that it was far too intimate, specifically for the position of their relationship. And if she could've, Lena would've definitely deleted the message and said something else.

 **Kara** : _Me too_. **2:43 am**

Lena knew that already, pressing her lips together as the memory of Kara telling Snapper and James that she tried to cry herself to sleep, crept into her mind. Before...this, it would've been hard trying to imagine Kara crying about anything because Lena had never seen her cry. But the moment when Lena found herself staring into the eyes of her world, her broken world, she too was broken.

For a while, there was no response, but Kara waited patiently for it. She wondered if Lena had read it and was debating on replying or not. But Lena was actually trying to decide if she wanted to invite Kara to a therapy session or ask her out for coffee...or food. _Anything_ to change the subject even for five seconds.

And Kara also wondered about their relationship and _how_ she and Lena would get back to their normal. But there wasn't going to be a normal for them. The gate that divided normality and difference was tall and Kara and Lena showed no sign of climbing. Because they jumped and the fall was going to be one hell of a journey. And neither of them was prepared for it.

 **Lena** : _I've been going to therapy for these last few weeks_. **3:09 am**

 **Lena** : _I don't know how you're feeling but I know that you're hurt too. So if you need anything her name is Melanie Gray_. **3:10 am**

The thought of Lena having to talk to someone who wasn't Kara bothered both of them, but for some reason, it bothered Kara more. It was understandable though, for Lena to feel the need to go to therapy. She only had one friend, but Kara had friends and a sister...she had a family, and speaking to a stranger about something that she feels more comfortable telling James about was definitely the last thing she wanted to do. Kara had someone and Lena didn't. And it hurt like hell for Kara to know that Lena had to go through alone.

 **Kara** : _Thanks but I would rather talk to you_. **3:10 am**

Reading that message sent a chill down Lena's spine for some reason. Maybe it wouldn't be so hard for them to talk, because clearly, Kara was ready for it. Clearly meant what she said when she said that she would _always_ be there for Lena no matter what. At this point, Lena didn't want to be mad anymore, but she wouldn't have minded being pissed at Kara rather than softened up by her words.

 **Kara** : _Is this okay?_ **3:13 am**

She had only asked because she felt like Lena didn't want to talk...like she was afraid to have a conversation with Kara because those typing bubbles kept appearing and then disappearing and it was kind of alarming.

 **Lena** : _Is what okay?_ **3:14 am**

 **Kara** : _This. It kind of feels like you're scared to talk to me. It's okay if you are though I understand_. **3:14 am**

Lena sighed before tugging at her bottom lip with her teeth. She wasn't scared, she just wasn't ready. There was so much anxiety just thinking about texting Kara at the three in the morning. Only because she wanted to be able to control the situation, to ensure that Kara didn't know that she was on Lena's mind at night. But now Kara knows, and it feels...like defeat.

 **Lena** : _I'm not scared, I just don't know what this means for us_. **3:17 am**

 **Kara** : _It means that our relationship is gonna be different and we're gonna have to start adjusting to the change at our own paste_. **3:17 am**

 **Kara** : _Even if it means putting distance between us because if you need space then I'll give it to you_. **3:18 am**

Okay, maybe Lena didn't _actually_ need a therapist. It was obvious to her now that she was so hurt that she wasn't able to see how understanding Kara was. Because Kara _was_ understanding, too understanding to the point of annoyance, but Lena loved it more than she knew. And she wanted to do something about, but she couldn't.

 **Lena** : _What about you? What do you want?_ **3:21 am**

 **Kara** : _You._ **3:21 am**

And there it was, the most satisfying statement of the night...the morning. Lena's heart managed to skip multiple beats and she wondered how she was still alive after that. It felt life Kara was touching her heart in the most gentle way possible

 **Kara** : _Us_. **3:21 am**

 **Kara** : _But it isn't that simple is it?_ **3:21 am**

If Lena hadn't been so stubborn it _could_ be that simple, they could be back to smiling without a care in the world right in Lena's office on the couch while that famous coffee table was covered in empty Big Belly Burger bags. But then she realized that it wasn't her stubbornness, it was the reason why she was afraid to talk with Kara in the first place...because she was afraid to get close again. Not to mention the fact that times like this made times like what they used to have even better, they would be closer...they would be different. But Lena didn't want different because she didn't do well with change. Especially if it meant that she could be hurt again...ten times worse.

It was almost as if Lena wanted to be good at goodbyes, but she couldn't do that with Kara because she loved Kara entirely too much. This is someone who has made her feel like she actually belongs, someone who gives her a reason to wake up every single day and smile like she's never smiled before. Someone who loved her because of who she was, someone who made her better.

 **Lena** : _It's not and it never will be because I am afraid to talk to you. I'm afraid that if we make this better again then we could make it worse and I really don't want to lose you, Kara_. **3:36 am**

As much as Kara wanted to promise that Lena wouldn't lose her, she knew that her promises probably meant nothing to Lena. She knew that Lena was currently trying to figure out if she could still trust Kara or not and it was going to take a while to come to a conclusion.

 **Kara** : _I don't wanna lose you either, which is why you can take however long you need to figure this out. And if you need me, I'm here. Always_. **3:36 am**

 **Lena** : _I know_. **3:37 am**

And now it was Kara's turn to think about what she was getting ready to type, and it was Lena's turn to wait...and she did. But Lena's way of waiting wasn't her worrying about a reply because she knew that it was coming. She didn't wonder what it was going to be neither, in fact, she didn't even think about the reply, she thought more about what was going to happen when she saw Kara after this. Because to Lena, this conversation was more intimate than expected and there were no signs, so far, of letting up from that.

 **Kara** : _I love you_. **3:39 am**

Lena licked her lips after reading the message, her eyes becoming pools of water while she typed her reply to that. Seeing those words was so different. Kara never said that in a message, probably because she didn't need too. But Lena, she had to say it in a message because she would have never been able to say it, the way that she meant it, in person.

 **Lena** : _I love you too. Now go to sleep, you have work in the morning_. **3:41 am**

A wide smile ran across Kara's face, just as Lena hoped even though she couldn't see it. And for the first time in twenty-four hours, Kara was able to close her eyes think about something other than what she was going to make everything better between her and Lena. Meanwhile, Lena thought about how different their relationship was going to be.

They both loved each other, and it was good that they were able to say it even through this. But what was harder now was being able to go back to being just friends. Because now Kara wasn't just Lena's best friend who she loved, Kara was Lena's best friend who she was in love with. So how hard was it going to be to go back to normal? 

******

Instead of waiting for her alarm clock to beep, Kara was woken up by the sun that beamed aggressively through her bedroom window. Her eyes were no longer a pink puffy mess and she no longer stared up at the ceiling with tears in her eyes and a straight face. She was happy, happier than expected. It was refreshing, the feeling of knowing that the person you love is going to be in your life and Kara couldn't wait until the storms cleared up ahead. But today, she was prepared for it...and excited. Today, it only took her ten seconds to get dressed _and_ make coffee.

She wore a burgundy button-up underneath a white sweater that had a bold burgundy stripe running across her chest. Her hair was up in a sleek high ponytail and she was wearing red lipstick. Her heels were burgundy too, but her pants were black. And just as she had been wiping the red lipstick from her coffee mug, there was a knock on her door. But, by the time Kara had decided to walk over and open it, someone had already been barging in.

"Hey," Alex closed the door behind her, "James told me about Lena. Are you okay?"

"I'm freaking awesome," Kara smiled, this time she meant it and she was so glad that she did, "I actually got some sleep last night,"

"Oh my god, I never should've convinced you to keep it a secret from her. I'm so sorry Kara, I know how much Lena means to you and I messed that up for you didn't I-"

"It was my decision," Kara interrupted calmly, sipping her coffee, "and even if you hadn't told me not to tell her...I still wouldn't have."

"But you wanted to,"

"But I couldn't," the blonde shrugged, "it was selfish, I know, but you tend to do selfish things for the people you love..." she paused, and it wasn't a gesture of hesitating about what she was going to say next. It was the simple fact that she was going to say it out loud for the very first time. "I would like to think that if I were to go back in time I'd change it and tell her sooner, but that's not true. She doesn't know this but...I didn't send Mon-El away without any hesitation because it was the right to do, I did because I chose her over him. And Clark admired me for sending off my first love to save the world, but I did it for Lena. Not only was keeping her alive and away from Rhea important to me, but I also cared about the way people talked about her. I mean she's good Alex, and I hoped that letting her do that would change the way people saw her. And watching her be herself, that sweet and caring Luthor that I always knew she could be meant so much more to me than anyone could ever understand. And I wouldn't go back and change anything about my past except maybe meeting her sooner." Kara grinned and caressed the rim of her coffee mug as she gripped it with both hands, "but everything happens for a reason, right?"

Alex was...well she didn't necessarily know how to feel about what Kara had just said. So, she just slowly nodded her head instead and as much as she wanted to deepen the conversation, she wanted Kara to figure everything out on her own. In terms of what this all would mean for her relationship with Lena of course. Because it _was_ going to be different

"Yeah," Alex finally said aloud, "I'd like to think it does. But what do you think the reason is for this?" the redhead gestured as she referred to Kara's current situation.

"I think," she glanced up at the ceiling and took a deep breath before looking back into Alex's brown eyes, "it's meant to show us the power of love and friendship. I think it's to make us stronger as people and as friends and to show us that if we are able to get through lows like this in our relationship then, we can do anything we want together."

Alex smirked softly at Kara, she never knew anyone who was so positive. Alex knew that this could go two ways, but for some reason, Kara was only able to see the good part of this entire situation and if the roles were reversed, Alex would've never been able to be so calm and patient and hopeful about it. That was _Kara Danvers_ for you.

******

The board meeting was shorter than James had wanted it to be, maybe he was enjoying it more than he should have. And it was because of Lena. She was different today like she was purposely flaunting her curves...like she wanted everyone to notice her. When she spoke, it was like dark angels were trying to seduce James and because of it, he couldn't really pay any attention to what was actually saying. He knew it was important, but maybe Lena could summarize everything for him later. But that was only if he was big enough to say something to her.

Lena ended the meeting, and though she wanted to be the first to leave, she couldn't have because she had a messy stack of papers at the end of the long black glass table. So while everyone got up and left the board room, she was left behind and James had decided to stay back with her.

He was hesitating so much because he didn't want to stand next to her and objectify her while he was expressing his feelings. But that sleeveless royal blue mermaid dress that squeezed her body to a point where it seemed like she couldn't breathe made it so hard. And her leg that occasionally revealed itself through that slit as she walked helped just as much as her breast peeking out of the top of her dress. Not so much by the way.

"You need some help?"

Lena glanced up at James who had been walking towards her.

"It's fine I got it. I did speak with Ms. Grant," Lena focused on stacking the papers neatly and then placing them into a yellow folder, "she reached out to me this morning and asked if I wanted to do business with her. I think she wants the company back."

"Really? Did she anything else?" 

"She's coming back to National City later on tonight from Rome on a private jet," Lena chuckled, lifting the folder from the table and preparing to head out, "and she wanted me to make that clear to anyone who I told this to,"

James glanced down at the floor as Lena continued to leave. How was she doing it all so easily, standing in the room with him without getting nervous? Was it because she didn't feel the same way about him as he did about her? Well, there was logistically only one way to find out the answer to that question.

"Hey, Lena?" She flipped her dark wavy hair as she turned around to face him. "Umm...I know we're not, you know, anymore but um...I miss you,"

Lena's eyes widened as she raised her eyebrows and lifting her chin along with taking a deep breath. She was just as surprised as Kara had been, who was on her into the board room but stopped walking when she heard that. It would've been rude for her to walk, noticeably, on watching James get turned down. Because she knew that was going to happen.

"I know that breaking up was a mutual thing, but I honestly regret it. And I knew I would because I love you and-"

"James," the green-eyed woman placed her folder down on the glass table, "I care about you a lot, but I don't want us to keep doing things that we know are going to end badly. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't support me the way I support them,"

"I'm not talking about getting back together, not now anyway," He shrugged, "I know there are some things that we have to fix between us but I'm willing to-"

"There's nothing to fix," and now Lena was serious, she could finally say what she wanted to say out loud, "the only reason that I dated you was because Kara told me to. Maybe if you were different, if you supported me as a boyfriend should, or if you listened to me as a boyfriend should I would've fallen in love with you, but apparently, the love was just as one-sided as the support.”

Lena wanted to pick her up her folder and leave but she felt like she still had a point to get across, to make James understand the reason she wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. Not because she didn’t want to be friends, even though she couldn’t bear the thought of being friends with someone who was so clingy.

”Kara lied to me for nearly five years and it hurts, but for some reason, we’re still friends and I still love her and I still want her to be a part of my life. Do you know why that is? Because she supports me. Because she understands me in ways that I wanted you to understand me. Because she sees me for who I am and not for what I’m capable of. And because she was always there for me when I needed her the most.” Finally, she lifted her folder filled with papers and headed for the door. “Whenever you obtain the qualities of actually caring about me, then maybe we could work something out. Until then, I don’t want to hear anything about how much you miss and love me because I couldn’t really care any less,” she said on the way out.

James brushed the bridge of his nose with his thumb. He should’ve been worried about the fact that person he loved was over him or didn’t actually love him but instead he focused Kara being the reason that Lena dated him. Why would she do that? Kara knew how much James actually fancied Lena so why would she force someone to do something they obviously didn’t want to do.

It was like Deja Vu, Kara watching Lena walk away without calling her name. You would think that their conversation was enough for Kara to know where they stood, but hearing Lena clarify how she felt about her and Kara’s relationship at the moment was exactly what Kara had needed and she didn’t know until now.

When Lena has gotten into the elevator, she and Kara had made eye contact. There were no shared smiles, or waves, only the distant lustful looks on both of their faces. And unfortunately, Lena couldn’t take it any longer, staring into those innocent blue eyes that she loved so much. She pretty the lobby button and the doors to the elevator cut through their unintentional staring contest.

The thought of Kara meeting Lena at L-Corp was pushed away when she glanced back at the glass that surrounded the board room where she saw James gathering his things. She entered the room, knocking on the glass door to grab James’ attention as she entered.

He looked up at her as he buried his clipboard and binder underneath his arm and clenched his jaws.

”Hey,” Kara broke the silence, “I heard...are you...are you okay?”

James scoffed, “why did you tell Lena to date me?” He questioned. “That’s selfish, you know that, right? Relationships like those don’t end well.”

”I wasn’t...you liked her and I-I thought that maybe she liked you too-“

”You literally have the worse experience when it comes to love, how dare you try and play matchmaker? I fell in love with her, Kara, because of you. I trusted her because of you. I wasted a year of my life pining after someone who couldn’t give a damn about me, because of you-“

”Lena cares about you,” Kara said seriously, “okay? She may not have loved you the way you wanted her to but she cared more than you knew. She literally just said it.”

For a moment, both of them were convinced that Kara hadn’t been offended by the _worse experience when it comes to love_ comment. She wasn’t, but she did need to clarify something.

”And it really does suck that I tried to help you and you shame me for something that I have no control over. I can’t be Supergirl and be in love at the same time. Twice,” the blonde angrily held up two fingers, “I chose to be Supergirl over love and I don’t think anything is going to change that because that’s just who I am. My reason for getting my heart broken and breaking other people’s heart is more valid than yours.”

”You don’t get to chose whose reasons for being heartbroken are more valid,” James scoffed again. “That’s your problem. You think that just because you go around flying in a skirt that you have a better reason to go ruin someone’s life. And everyone knows that the only reason you have Lena wrapped around your finger is because she knows how to make Kryptonite. Once you mess up any chance of having her in your life, Clark and Lex’s story is going to be repeated again and you’re too weak to fight her.”

Those were his final words, and he just let them stand. Kara knew that he was wrong, but what hurt her was the fact that her friend would say something like that to her because he was hurt. Because she would’ve never done that to him.

Kara’s ego was enormous though. She believed that her chances of losing Lena was a solid negative one-hundred ten percent and nothing was going to change that. Clark and Lex ended badly, but Kara also believed that she and Lena were the Super and Luthor that was meant to be.

******

It was a late night at the office for Lena, she made it a priority to bury herself in anything that would distract her from that lustful look that Kara had given her today. She wanted that look to mean something, she hoped that look meant something. She hoped that Kara gave her that look because she felt the same way about Lena as Lena felt about her. Lena needed that look to mean that Kara was in love with her too. But what if it didn’t? What if Kara felt about Lena the same way that Lena felt about James, only loving her as nothing more than just a friend.

Friends don’t look at each other like that. Do they? They do because Kara and Lena were friends...and they were looking at each other just...like...that. But what if...no. No, Lena can’t keep thinking about the if’s. She needs to think about the present. She needs to pick up her phone and text Kara to see how she’s doing because Kara obviously wanted to say something, that’s why she was looking at Lena. Kara wasn’t objectifying Lena the way James was, that’s not why she hesitated to say something. She hesitated because she had more to lose, but did she have something to lose in the sense of love or _love_?

Lena’s phone vibrated on her desk and she glanced up from her laptop screen and at the phone where she saw Kara’s name.

 **Kara** : _I miss you._ **11:31 pm**

How was Lena supposed to reply to that? Was she supposed to say it back or just ignore it and say that she was working late, which technically wouldn’t be a lie. Was she supposed to give Kara the benefit of letting her know that Lena missed her too after everything that she’s done? Pshaw, no. But did she? Duh.

 **Lena** : _I miss you too_. **11:31 pm**

 **Lena** : _Are you still at work?_ **11:31 pm**

 **Kara** : _Yes and no. I’m at home, but I’m working on an article._ **11:32 pm**

 **Kara** : _Are you still at work?_ **11:32 pm**

 **Lena** : _Yes, I have so much work to do, but I’m hungry so I’ll just finish everything up tomorrow_. **11:33 pm**

 _Aww, she didn’t eat_. Kara thought, stuffing her face with the lasagna that she’d made herself for dinner and staring at her phone screen. Normally, it’s always Kara who’s swinging by to remind Lena to eat, but she didn’t know if that would be crossing boundaries or not.

 **Kara** : _I made lasagna today_. **11:34 pm**

 **Kara** : _Like a lot_. **11:34 pm**

 **Kara** : _LIke enough to share._ **11:34 pm**

Lena giggled Kara’s messages, and it’s been a while since that sweet sound had come from her mouth.

 **Kara:** _Since we both have a lot of work to do I could come over and we could it in your office?_ **11:36 pm**

 **Kara** : _And I could bring lasagna_. **11:36 pm**

Of course, Lena wasn’t going to say no to that, but she was, however, caught off guard with the first message. The idea of _doing it_ in her office wasn’t something that she had been opposed to. Was that bad? The idea of makeup sex? No, people have makeup sex all the time, right? Yes because they talked about, Lena had heard that makeup sex was the best kind of sex and she couldn't imagine how much better makeup sex would be with Supergirl rather than any ordinary person. How fast could Supergirl make Lena cum?

 **Kara** : _Is that a no?_ **11:39 pm**

 **Lena** : _No, you can cum_. **11:39 pm**

 **Lena** : _Come*_. **11:39 pm**

The green-eyed woman didn’t necessarily have time to freak out because Kara had already flown into her office with a large pan of lasagna in one hand and her laptop and phone in the other. Lena did drop her phone on the desk as Kara landed gently on the floor and placed the pan of food on Lena’s desk.

”Did I scare you?” Kara smiled as she placed her laptop down and down across from Lena at the desk. 

”No, you were just...that was fast,”

”Well I mean, I am Supergirl,”

 _Mmm_ , Lena nodded to herself. It was a bit unexpected for Kara to be so comfortable with the Supergirl humor already. Maybe it was her way of coping. Either way, Lena was not at all displeased that Kara was able to get comfortable so fast. She thought it was good and healthy for their relationship, along with what she was about to suggest.

”Umm, I was going to therapy, right? She suggested that we put distance between us but still remain in contact. That’s one of the reasons why I texted you last night.” Kara nodded her head, uncovering the pan and sticking a fork on one side for Lena. “And in order for us to get this elephant out of the room, we have to get...deep. Like...secret deep.”

”Oh,” Kara smiled widely, “I have a secret. Remember when we went to the museum and everything went down?” Lena nodded. “Well, after you left, the food came...and I did not leave until I had seconds. Five times. I think it went on your tab, but I’ll pay you back.”

And there it was again, that giggle, but this time Kara was here to witness it. She realized how much she missed making Lena smile. She also realized how cute her giggles were. How could anyone possibly believe that this amazing human being is bad?

”It’s fine,” Lena waves her off and pushed her own laptop away so that she could use the fork that had given her to eat out of the pan, “we were celebrating for you. I made those plans with expectations of eating a seven-course meal. Plus,” the brunette leaned closer as she lifted a fork full of lasagna, “I’m a billionaire.”

Kara grew extremely intimidated, for the first time in a long, by Lena’s seductive voice. The grin that followed it was what had Kara beat, she chuckled nervously and took her own fork full of lasagna and somehow they ended up eating at the same time. Which meant there was a moment of silence because they both refused to talk with their mouth full.

But of course, Lena did manage to finish chewing first because her fork full was only half of what Kara had.

”I’ve never felt the way that I feel about you about anyone else,” Lena unintentionally demanded Kara’s eye contact with her words and Kara right up into those green eyes, “which was probably why it hurt so much. I’m really afraid of losing you Kara, like really afraid. You’ve given me a purpose-“

”No, I didn’t,” Kara shook her head no in an instant, swallowing what was left in her mouth, “everyone has a purpose and I really hope that you mean that I helped you find your purpose rather than me actually being your purpose because that would be...bad.”

”Yeah,” Lena nodded her head nervously and reached for her glass of scotch, “yeah no that’s-that’s what I meant. You’ve helped me find my purpose...”

And it was that moment where Kara had stopped listening. Kara could tell when Lena was lying to her because Lena could never look into Kara’s eyes and lie. It was only hours ago when Kara had said that she couldn’t be in love and be Supergirl at the same time, she did not want to be prompted with an alternative where she had to choose between Lena and Supergirl...because she was not going to chose Lena and it was going to hurt like hell.

Kara knew how she felt about Lena, she’s known for the two days what it meant. That beautiful moment when Kara felt like that Bruno Mars song that Lena had played on the violin was dedicated for her...that was the moment that she knew she was in love. But this moment right here, the moment where Lena has spoken so passionately about Kara was the moment that Kara knew that the feeling was mutual. But it can’t be mutual. Lena cannot love Kara.

”...you know? I love your optimism, your hope, your compassion, your faith, your kindness, your strength, your...everything about you is so different from the things that I’ve experienced in life. And I also love how different we are from each other, you’re everything that I’m missing-“

”How would you feel if I told you that the only reason we became friends was because it was the only way to keep you from going bad,”

At first, Lena chuckled, but Kara kept a straight face which caused Lena to get serious too. Kara wouldn’t do that because Kara has always had good intentions. Even if they were selfish.

Lena knew that it was just a question, but what if that were true? What if that was the case? Even if it was, there’s no way that Kara still feels that way because they love each other, whether it is in a friendly way or not, they loved each other.

”The same way you would if I said that to you,” Lena answered, “like it’s a lie.” Kara nodded her head and stuffed her mouth with another fork full of lasagna. “Why would you ask me that?”

Kara shrugged her shoulders, “it was something that James said earlier. I kind of heard your guy’s conversation and I wanted to check on him and he insinuated that we were only friends because I didn’t want to repeat Clark and Lex’s history and if I ruined us I would be too weak to fight you.”

It wasn’t a hard thing for Kara to admit because she knew that saying things like this would make her stronger. Which is why she kept going.

”He’s right. I can’t imagine fighting against you, even if you do go bad I wouldn’t be able to bring myself to do it-“

”I’m not going to go bad as long as I have someone like you in my life,”

”That’s the point, Lee, what if I mess up again and I mess us up forever? Then what? It’ll be my fault-“

”You kept a secret but now I know and we’re going to get through this together. Not to mention the fact that I’m trying to give you the opportunity to tell me your deepest darkest secrets. The point of this is so we won’t have to worry about losing each other over something that can be said right now.”

Deepest darkest secrets. That part of Lena’s explanation echoed through Kara’s head. Now was her chance to just say it, but in a way she wanted Lena to say it first. So she just decided to wait a little longer.

”Anything?”

”Not if you’re not ready, but yes,” Lena nodded.

But Kara was still on the verge of doing things that she was afraid of. And she was afraid of this conversation, but they were already having it so why not keep it going.

”I love you,” Both if their hearts skipped a beat, Kara’s little bit more dramatic. She felt like she was drowning again.

”That’s not a secret,” Lena giggled, knowing for a fact that Lara hadn’t meant it in the way that she hoped.

”I-I’m... _in_...love with you.”

”Oh,”

”Sorry...this-that was too much wasn’t it? I should go-“

”No, it’s fine.” Lena assured her.

”It’s late,” Kara stood up from the chair and gathered her things nervously without making eye contact with the woman who sat across from her, “you have work to do and neither of us has done anything because we’re obviously distracted.”

“Wait,” Lena stood up from her chair and quickly, but gently grabbed Kara’s forearm before the blonde could walk out into the balcony. As if she hadn’t been short of breath already, looking into Kara’s eyes while they were this close made everything worse, “I love you too...and I _love_ being distracted by you,”

That was the moment where everything had changed. Kara had dropped everything and placed her newly emptied hands onto Lena’s cheeks as she pulled the green-eyed woman into an aggressive, yet gentle kiss.

They stumbled away from the balcony, towards the couch where Kara had accidentally stepped on her laptop and pulled away to look down at it.

”Oh-“

”It’s okay,” Lena forced the blonde back into the kiss while tightly gripping onto her shirt and trying to pull her impossibly closer. “I’ll pay for it,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I hope that was good.


	5. Home Body

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last night turns Lena’s morning into a half paradise, and Kara visits Dr. Gray.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the feedback. I also don’t know how to feel about this chapter, it was a little rushed.

Nothing happened. They only made out for twenty minutes and then parted ways. It was only guilt that separated them, specifically Kara’s guilt. Her selfishness was rising, but she couldn’t let that continue to happen. She couldn’t be in love with someone who her friend was still in love with. Yes, they were currently in a bad place, but it would get better, right? James was in love with Lena and Kara knew that, yet, she was the one who decided that it was okay to kiss her. And it was one of the worse decisions that she has ever made. Kara knew from the bottom of her heart that she couldn’t be in love and be Supergirl at the same time but here she was, expressing her feelings to the same person who her friend had expressed his feelings for too. James and Lena would be hurt because Kara has to be honest with them. Lying was what got her here in the first place.

Lena had woken up with a smile on her face and she was in no rush to get to work. She lied in her bed, staring up at the ceiling and remembering everything that happened last night. The soft and gentle touch of Kara’s hands on her body. The pleasurable moans that she released between kisses. And her lips, oh god, her lips. They were much softer than Lena had imagined. But she couldn’t think about it for too long because it all led up to Kara leaving. 

_“Wait, wait, wait,” nearly out of breath Kara quickly pulled away from Lena._

_ “What?” Lena breathed heavily, staring into Kara’s eyes that were, for some reason, no longer filled with lust. “Do you want to switch?” _

_Kara shook her head, “no I-we should wait,”_

_ As much as Lena wanted to roll her eyes, she just threw her head back and let out a sigh of frustration while brushing her hair out of her face with her fingers. _

It wasn’t awkward at all after Kara left, it was just very...very hard for Lena to get up from that couch. Harder than she would ever admit actually. The relief that she had when Kara had kissed her, giving her the satisfaction that she had craved for longer than she could imagine. That desire to risk everything was still within her at this point and Lena convinced herself that Kara meant they should wait in a romantic way, but they both knew the reason. They both knew that when Kara had brought up ruining their relationship, she was specifically talking about love. They both knew that Kara was afraid, Lena was too, but their reasons were _so_ different.

While Lena was only afraid of being heartbroken again by someone she loved, Kara focused more on what this meant for her future. A future in which she refused to see whomever the love of her life may be. She refused to believe that at the end of the heroic tunnel there would be a life after. Though, even if she hadn’t refused those beliefs, the thought of anything long term had never been presented to her brain. A love that would last longer than a year, six months even, was one that Kara couldn’t even dream of. She knew, from the moment she ended things with James, that she would never be able to choose anything else over the world. Unfortunately, that included Lena. Thus, her vision of the future was blurred on the lines of love for she could only see Lena as nothing more than a friend.

Imagine giving someone everything that they’ve ever wanted and then taking it away in a matter of twenty minutes. Kara was a hero, but when it came to love she was a villain and it showed a little too much. A fate chose for her the second she and Lena met, a destiny that will be for filled sooner rather than later. There was no way around the freedom that she craved to be a hero without the need of waking up next to someone. 

Lena wanted that, the experience of waking next to someone she loved rather than waking up to this. 

**Jess:** _14 missed calls._ ** 7:42 am**

 **Jess:** _Get your ass up Kieran, you might wanna see this before it reaches the papers._ ** 8:08 am**

 **Jess** : _ What the fuck are you doing, Luthor? You have a company to run and an angry board to impress!!!! _ ** 9:32 am**

Kara called me Lee, no one calls me that, that was what Lena was thinking when she read Jess’s messages, about Kara. It was reasonable, her first and last thought of the night. The thought that helped her reach her breaking point when she got home last night.  Kara. Some things were still in the works though, one of them being Lena’s forgiveness speech. Because she hadn’t done that yet. She was too busy drowning in the beautiful blue oceans that Kara wore so well.

The thought of touching Kara’s beautifully structured jawline again mocked her, her fingers tracing against the very skin that could eventually be dangerous to her existence. But it was the danger in it all that made everything worth the while. Imagining being destroyed by the very person who could put her together and complete her again. Thinking of being held closely by someone who could easily crush her, someone who was sweet yet aggressive in many ways that seemed to be so satisfying. Someone who could lift her off her feet and fly away with her, all the way to the top. Someone so solid, so powerful, so-

“Ugh,” the loud and pleasurable moan from Lena’s mouth brought life to her quiet apartment, arching her back as she let it all out. The heat between her legs growing hotter as the warm wetness dripped between her legs and made its way onto the silk Versace sheets. 

She breathed slowly, slowly removing her fingers from the wetness, to her lips, and sucking them dry. It took a while for her legs to stop trembling, but she finally managed to get out of bed and complete her morning routine, which normally didn’t consist of changing her sheets.

Anyway, that was Lena’s morning. A morning that led to a day full of power and confidence. A morning that led to a day that extremely stress-free. Not that Kara hadn’t crossed Lena’s mind, because she did. More than Lena wanted to admit, but she was still able to focus on her work. Specifically her feelings towards Noah Kuttler moving to National City and renovating a building that was right next to Cat-Co. And it was already in the press. Published by the one and only Kara Danvers,  _L-Corp’s Future Competition_.

Normally, Kara didn’t publish so early, but she did. Which probably meant that when she went home last night, she didn’t sleep. Maybe that was the article that she was working on last night, but if it was, why didn’t she tell Lena? Probably because work definitely was not on either of their minds. Plus, Kara’s laptop was crushed.

She was sitting in an office, thinking about everything that she’s ever done wrong in her life while stuffing her face with the last bite of a foot long. One, kissing Lena. Two, going to her office in the first place. And three, saying she loved her. Why would Kara say that she loved someone knowing that she couldn’t be with that person? She knows that she has not had the best experience with love and it’s not because she’s incapable of love, it’s just that she’s incapable of loving enough to chose her lover over her one true love...earth.

“Alright,” Kara looked up towards the woman who entered the office, her dark wavy hair falling perfectly down her back while it was tucked behind either ear. “You probably already know this,” the woman sat down across from Kara and crossed her legs, “I’m Dr. Gray, but you’re more than welcome to call me Melanie.”

“Kara...Kara Danvers,”

Melanie nodded, then she stared. The room was completely silent and it made Kara really uncomfortable to the point where she looked down in her lap and fiddled with her fingers.

“So are you going to ask me something?”

“Like what?” Mel replied. 

Kara shrugged, “Well I don't know, _Dr. Gray_ ," she said, filled with sarcasm, "you're the one with the degree in psychology...you tell me.”

There was something about what Kara had just that cause Dr. Gray to smirk mischievously. She just couldn’t put her finger on it.

_ "I feel betrayed," Lena nods. _

_ "Why?" _

_ "Because someone who I love betrayed me." _

_ "Okay, and what exactly do you think I can do about that?" _

_"Well I don't know,_ Dr. Gray _, " Lena said, filled with sarcasm, "you're the one with the degree in psychology...you tell me."_

Then it clicked. The way that Lena had described Kara was, so far, nowhere near what was being displayed at the moment. It was almost like staring in a mirror, Kara being the best part of Lena just as Lena had been the best parts of Kara. And because it was like this, Melanie knew exactly how to hit a home run with Kara. By being blunt. 

“Why are you here?” Melanie asked, breaking the silence and allowing her smirk to slowly slip away.

Kara took a deep breath, “Lena told me to come,” That was a lie. Well, Lena did tell Kara to come, but that’s not why she was here.

“And you listened? Why?”

“Because I’m a good friend,” 

_No, you’re not_. Her conscious yelled to her. 

Denial. Dr. Gray wrote it down in her notepad. She figured out what the problem was...Kara and Lena were both in denial. You can’t get anywhere when you’re in denial, which was why they were still, after weeks, in the same place. Denial. Denial. Denial. It’s the most powerful thing, isn’t it?

“What are you writing?”

Melanie glanced up from her notepad, arching one of her perfect eyebrows, her piercing hazel green eyes staring directly into Kara’s soul. Or at least that’s what it felt like.

“ _Stuff_ ,” she replied, “what are you doing here?”

“I just told you,”

“But you’re lying,” Mel nodded, “someone told me that you were optimistic and hopeful but I don’t see it. I see a weak, but a brave woman who refuses to speak from her heart. You’ve been lying to me since I walked through that door,” she cocked an eyebrow, “why do you lie so much?”

_This is Lena’s therapist?_ Kara thought. She wondered why Lena would waste her time with someone so rude, but then she thought that maybe Gray wasn’t being rude, she was just trying to figure Kara out. She was offended though, being called weak because she wasn’t. She was just confused and selfish. Was that the answer to the question? Kara lies so much because she’s selfish? Yes. But that’s not how she worded it.

Instead, she answered with a question, “does it keep you from knowing why I’m here?”

Melanie tilted her head to get a better look at the blonde who sat across from her. Kara wasn’t in denial, she knew what she wanted in life, but she also knew what she couldn’t have. And she hated that she couldn’t have what she wanted and how she wanted it.

“It does,” Mel nodded, “but how do you expect me to help you if I don’t know what your problem is?”

“I don’t want your help,” Kara replied, a crinkle in her brow, “I want guidance. I want to say, out loud, something that I know but never said because it was selfish. Does that make sense?”

Dr. Gray nodded once more, nodding her head and writing down more notes. Both of these women had problems, but they were obviously different. And, Kara coming here was Lena’s doing because Kara knew how to communicate. She had people to do that with, unlike Lena. 

“Go on,” Gray instructed, focusing on the notes that she was writing. Kara buried her back into the fluffy pillows on the couch and let out a sigh before she began.

“I’ve had the worse experience when it came down to love, and not to sound heartless but, I don’t think that I’ve ever been heartbroken before,” she shrugged, “I think it was hard for me to realize that there will probably never be a time where I chose the world over someone else. I don’t think that I’ll ever love anyone as much as I love earth which is probably why I don’t see myself in any relationship that lasts more than a year. I think I just go with the flow and if whomever I’m dating decides to leave, I probably won’t stop them. I don’t know if that’s a bad thing, but I just...love—romantic love just isn’t my mojo. I think it’s a fun thing to experience, of course, maybe not for the other person, but on my end, it’s pretty thrilling. Except for the tears, I hate watching people cry and I hate breaking people’s heart. I hate disappointing, and that’s exactly what’s going to happen with Lena. I didn’t know how much she really meant to me until I realized that there was a chance she could leave, and I don’t want her to leave but I do want her to be happy...and unfortunately...” Kara paused to take a deep breath and look down as she fiddled with her fingers again, “unfortunately her happiness is with me. But I don’t want to be the reason that she wakes up and smiles everyday, or the person who has to call her when she’s working late to remind her to eat, or the only person that she trusts and can be vulnerable with...because one day I know for a fact that I will not hesitate to chose the world over her, especially if there’s no other choice.”

The blonde continued to fiddle with her fingers as the office grew silent. Meanwhile, Dr. Gray stared, wide-eyed, at Kara. She didn’t need therapy, she just needed someone to love and that someone was Lena. It shows how much Kara cares, and she cares a lot. So much to the point where she’s willing to watch the love of her life be in love with someone else just to be happy. But that wasn’t going to happen because Lena wanted Kara and there was no denying the purity in which Lena’s heart had followed the path to Kara’s heart.

“And you believe that staying away from Lena, romantically, is going to make everything better?”

Kara thought for a moment, then she answered, “I think it’s the selfless thing to do-“

“But it’s not,” Melanie shook her head, “the fear that you have of losing and hurting Lena is the very fear that only the purest kinds of love can bring to a person. The fact that we both know that you’re afraid means that you’re only going to try so much harder to ensure that whatever happens, you _are_ the one who’s going to get hurt. That’s the kind of relationship you want to be in, the kind where you’re willing to risk it all for someone who deserves everything and more.”

That’s exactly how Kara felt...like she wanted to give everything to Lena in order to keep her safe and happy...even if it meant losing her forever.

“Wow,” Kara smirked, “I’ve never thought about it that way.”

“Then you can start now...but I want you to take your time. Slow and steady. Lena may be a strong powerful woman, but you make her fragile. You’re the only person who can break her, and that’s exactly what you’re afraid of. So be afraid, because in love...fear  is _always _your best friend.”

** ****** **

Tonight, Lena didn't work late. Instead, she actually went home an hour earlier. The rest of her afternoon consisted of reading articles about Noah and trying to find out what he s was doing here. She was surprised, to say the least, that Kara hadn't done an actual interview with him for Lena's sake. Even if it hadn't been for Lena, Kara was always a bit curious. Like now. Lena's phone had lit up and she hoped that it was who she thought it was.

 **Kara** : _Hey_. **10:14 pm**

It wasn't, but this was better.

 **Lena** : _Hi._ **10:15 pm**

Normally, Kara's responses were quick. But tonight they weren't which only led Lena to believe that she was busy. The green-eyed woman tossed her phone back in its previous location on the couch next to her and continued reading one of the articles. Only this time she was barely getting through the paragraphs. It was like she had forgotten how to read with Kara on her mind. Her favorite distraction. Then she decided to pick up her phone again.

 **Lena** : _Are you busy?_ **10:26 pm**

Kara could hear her phone vibrate on her nightstand while she had still been in the bathroom brushing her teeth. When she finished, she sped into the kitchen and fixed a large bowel of Butter Pecan ice cream before speeding back into her room where she plopped down on her bed and turned on a lamp before lifting her phone. Thus, Lena was prompted with an incoming phone call, but before she could answer, Kara ended it.

For a moment, Lena was confused as to why Kara would call and end it. Was she afraid to talk on the phone? If she was she shouldn't be. Kara wasn't scared though, she was rather bold because not too long after she had accidentally called, she did what she actually meant to do in the first place. FaceTime.

 _Oh_.

Lena answered the video and then waited for their phones to connect.

"Hey, I missed you today,"

 _Best ice breaker ever_ , Lena thought while managing to process the beauty of the blonde woman who tried to stand her phone up so that she could eat her ice cream in peace. Lena wanted to reply, but Kara decided to keep talking.

"And I wanted to apologize to you about last night over the phone rather than in a message,"

"No you're fine," Lena nodded, "I totally understand. James is your friend...you were being a good friend,"

"Not really," Kara shrugged, "kind of made that decision at the last minute. But anyway, how was your day?"

_It was only the third time that Lena had dug her short fingernails into the palms of her hand as she formed a tight fist, gripping only a small bit of the Versace sheets on either side of her in which she arched her back, filling her apartment with moans and pants._

"Well," she smirked and cocked an eyebrow, "I released some stress...five times,"

"Really?" Kara filled her mouth with a spoon full of ice cream, staring directly into her bowel. "Is everything okay?" When she looked up, she used her thumb to wipe the ice cream from the corner of her mouth. "Anything I can help with?"

It's been a while since Lena had been intimidated, but that look in Kara's eyes, the ones that grew darker in the matter of a second, sent a chill up her spine. Lena knew how oblivious Kara was to certain aspects of life, so she didn't believe that Kara knew what she was talking about at the moment.

Lena stammered a bit, "no. I-I just um...woke up feeling the need to take a cold shower," and cleared her throat.

"Mhm," Kara nodded, glancing down into her bowel again and mad a few swirls with her spoon before looking back up at her phone, "did you?"

"Did I what?"

"Take a cold shower?"

The brunette struggled to reply again, "no,"

"But you released stress?"

"Yes," Lena nodded, her lips remaining parted after her words.

Kara smirked mischievously, eating another spoonful of ice cream, "interesting,"

 _Holy fuck, she knows_. Lena thought, her stomach suddenly becoming bottomless pit and her heart racing. Maybe it would've been different if they were texting, sexting at this point, but to see Kara staring back her with a devilish look in her eyes drove Lena crazy...inside and out. She wanted to say, _come over_ , but Kara wanted to wait. _Right?_ Well, the simple fact that Lena had to ask herself that question probably meant a hard no.

"How did you do it?"

"How did I-"

"How did you release stress?" Kara interrupted, looking back up at the screen, flashing Lena with her dark eyes. "Because I might be feeling a little stressed myself."

"I-I could um-I could text you a few ideas,"

"Or you could just show me," Kara shrugged.

Lena chuckled nervously, but there was no sign of Kara acknowledging that. The mischievous smirk was still plastered on her face as she continued to eat her ice cream, patiently waiting for Lena to do something. Anything that was close to what she had been implying when she said _I released some stress...five times_. It was only seconds later where Lena had finally realized that Kara was being serious.

"Oh," she raised her eyebrows, "you're-you're serious?"

"Unless you don't want to,"

There was a certain way that Kara wanted Lena to respond to that. She wanted her to say I do because Kara was all about consent...she thought it was sexy. But Lena didn't say I do. In fact, she didn't say a word, she just got up from the couch and went into her bedroom where she adjusted her phone so that it stood up on its own. Then, she took off everything, with the exception of her red lace bra, before slowly climbing onto her bed and lying on her back.

Slowly, she spread her legs, revealing to Kara one of her most prized possession while running her fingers down her abdomen. "When I woke up, you were my first thought. I started to imagine what would've happened if you had stayed..." Lena placed her fingers into the unsurprising wetness between her legs. "How cold your tongue would be," she started to massage herself at a slow and steady pace, her breaths deeper with each stroke, "how gentle your kisses would be...how fast you could make me cum,"

Kara stared at the phone, tightening her jaw muscles while she prayed that she could keep herself from going to Lena's apartment.

"How..." her breath was shaky now, "how satisfying it would be...to have someone so solid...so..." her breath was shorter now, " _powerful_...pleasing me in ways that I could _never_ imagine," Kara's grip on the bowel slowly tightened as Lena had moaned out that part, her hand moving much faster than before.

Kara tugged at her bottom lip, the urge to resist becoming a lot harder. If she were human, her lip would probably be bleeding, but even then she wouldn't have stopped. She was enjoying everything that she had been witnessing more than she thought. The beauty of watching the love of her life satisfy herself was a lot to handle. For both of them. And as much as Lena wanted to keep telling Kara everything that she was thinking, she couldn't. She was too distracted by the fact that Kara was in fact watching, distracted by the fact that Kara knew that Lena was pleasuring herself, or that this was the sixth time of the day that she was dripping onto her expensive sheets in Kara's name.

"Ugh," ice cream went everywhere, Kara had squeezed the bowel to its death when Lena had moaned loudly and arched her back during her release. A large smile plastered on her face as she continued to breathe heavily as she slowly removing her fingers, repeating what she had earlier, and sucking them dry. "You have something on your face," Lena referred to the ice cream, only Kara had wished it wasn't.


	6. The Lows of Our Journey: Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara is in denial and refuses to take Dr. Gray’s advice and it hurt Lena in ways that Lena never knew to be possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I’ve been reading some soft ass fics’ and I just want you guys to know that it’s going to be a while before this one gets soft ;) .

It was four in the morning and Kara couldn’t sleep.This wasn’t a new thing, not since Lena had found out that she was Supergirl, so staring at the ceiling was getting pretty boring. She got up from her bed, quickly getting into her super suit and bolting through the window. Her eyes were closed while she flew above the city, smelling the fresh air in which she had craved since...you know.

Flying was only an attempt to clear Kara’s mind, and it worked....for a while. But then she started to think about her future again, and even after her session with Dr. Gray, Kara still couldn’t see a ring on her finger within the next ten years. She still couldn’t see herself in a relationship and in a way it was pretty annoying, because she did want Lena. Not just in a sexual way, but in a way that she’s never wanted anyone else. And it was a little strange how one’s mind could from sexual desires to thinking about marriage. 

But Kara didn’t want a marriage. Kara didn’t want kids...she didn’t want a family. She didn’t want people to worry if she was going to make it home alive or not, or to worry if she was going to choose the world over them...because that was a possibility. She didn’t want to let down the people she loved, or the people who loved her. But she felt like it was going to happen. So why did she call Lena? Why did Kara allow Lena to share her sexual desires if Kara wasn’t going to be able to do anything about it? 

Because she was selfish.

That was the answer to everything. Kara was selfish and even she knew. Lena knew it too, just as well as Dr. Gray. Even James knew...Alex knew. Nearly everyone knew, and yet, Kara refused to change that quality about her. She refused to let Lena walk further down that lonely path of love if it meant a marriage...if it meant kids...if it meant anything other than being just friends. And though Dr. Gray had said that fear was what was going to make their love unique, Kara refused to believe that. Because just like Lena, she too was in denial.

How do you unlove someone? How do you tell someone that you’re afraid of love because you’re afraid of losing? How do you walk away from something that is so wrong but feels so good? You don’t...because you can’t. Kara can’t do that because she doesn’t walk away from her problems, she can’t keep Lena off of her mind because that woman is the love of her life and she knows it. But Kara was not ready to be in a relationship.

In mid-air, the blonde stopped in the realization that she had found herself near Lena’s apartment. She could see into the large windows, one of them being Lena’s bedroom where she lied on her back texting. Kara wondered who, but the thought was instantly disappeared when Lena had glanced up into the sky. Another one of their famous stares that always, under every circumstance, meant I want you. And this time, Kara actually went. She landed ever so gently onto Lena’s balcony and then entered the apartment. Lena then turned off her phone and placed it on the nightstand as she sat up, covering her bare chest with her black.

“Is everything okay?” The brunette questioned out of curiosity and concern. 

Kara let out a shaky breath, “I couldn’t sleep,” she sat down on the bed, her back facing Lena as she had refused to look at her. “I don’t know what’s happening...between us but...I do know that I have had the worse experiences ever with relationships and the last thing that I want to do is lose you.”

“I don’t want to lose you either, and I’ve had the worse experiences with relationships too. But that’s probably because they weren’t meant to be...” there was a pause as Lena had reached for Kara’s hand, causing the blonde with flench at the soothing touch. “Kara?”

“Hmm?” The blonde glanced over her shoulder, still managing to avoid eye contact. 

“Can you look at me?”

I don’t want to, was what Kara wanted to say. But instead, she started to take off her boots, placing them to the side before getting underneath the covers and facing one of her greatest fears. Those beautiful, innocent, pure, devouring, yet submissive green eyes that were staring into her soul. Her own blue eyes were filled with water and Lena had a feeling that she knew where this was going to go...and it was going to end badly. Badly being someone was going to say something that they would regret.

“Why are you crying?” Lena moved closer to Kara, placing her hand on her cheek and using her thumb to wipe away the falling tear.

She replied, barely above a whisper, “because I want you...but...but I can’t have you,”

“Yes, you can,”

“No,” Kara shook her head, placing her hand atop of Lena’s, “we have already tested the limits of being a Super and a Luthor just by working together.”

“Now we’re friends,”

Kara nodded, pushing a strand of Lena’s hair from her face, “and look where that got us. I lied to you... every day for four years about who I was-“

“And I forgave you,”

“But you shouldn’t have.”

“But I did,” Lena nodded, “because I love you and because I trust you and because I need you. You mean so much more to me than you know, Kara...and I don’t know what I would ever do if you leave, or if I manage to push you away.”

There was a soft smile on Kara’s face as she began to caress Lena’s cheek, her hand then moving up to move the strand of hair that had fallen back into Lena’s face again. They stared into each other’s eyes, both of them waiting for Kara’s response.

“Well, maybe you should start trying to figure that out,” Kara broke the silence, her eyes still staring down into Lena’s soul, “because I’m going to leave eventually.”

Lena closed her eyes, leaning even closer to Kara so that their foreheads were touching. For the first time, Lena could see what Kara looked like when she was hopeless and she blamed herself for it. Everything that Lena touches she breaks, and she broke Kara...which probably meant that she would never feel good about it because it was always Kara who pulled Lena back from her darkest places. But now, Kara was in a dark place too. Now, they were both without a light in their life and it was going to be hard to make it through this tunnel without being able to see what they would do to start a flame. Unfortunately, you need light to get more light, and in their case...not even a sun existed.

Kara removed her hand from Lena’s cheek, sliding it underneath the blanket where she placed it on the small of Lena’s bareback, causing the brunette to shiver at the touch. Kara pulled the naked woman impossibly closer to her and then placed a kiss on her forehead.

“I’m sorry,” Kara whispered.

_No, you’re not_ , was what Lena wanted to say. But instead, there was no response. She just rested her head on Kara’s chest, trying her best to try to gain the strength to tell her to leave, but she couldn’t find it. Kara knew that there was nothing that she could say or do that could make this better, so they lied there, Kara resting her chin on Lena’s head while staring at the wall.

Eventually, they had fallen asleep and time danced past them. The sun had risen, then the moon rose again. It was now nine in the afternoon and Kara had woken up first. The women were still very close, but Lena’s back was turned towards Kara, and Kara’s chin had been buried into Lena’s neck.

For some reason, there was a smirk on Kara’s face as she inhaled the lovely smell of raspberries that Lena had generated. She woke up next to someone. Someone who she loved and it felt amazing. And as selfish as it was to stay in Lena’s apartment, that’s exactly what had happened. Kara had decided that leaving wasn’t an option because she knew that she and Lena needed to talk about what happened earlier.

She wanted to ensure that their friendship hadn’t been hanging on a limb because of that stupid decision to kiss Lena in her office, the selfish desires that withheld her, displaying dominance and preventing her from being truthful in the first place. Kara was great at communicating, but she was terrible at telling someone she loved that maybe being just friends was the better option.

So again, there they were, as she rolled out of Lena’s bed trying best not to wake her, the obsessive thoughts that she had towards telling the actual love of her life that they didn’t belong together. Telling the actual love of her life that they were already defying the universe just by being friends. And despite the fact that James’ words were mocking her,  the Kara Danvers that I know fights for what she believes in, Kara hadn’t been so intent on going to war. All she knew was that she believed in Lena, not long term love. So she was going to fight for Lena and not long term love.

At least not this love, not the kind of love that Lena wanted. Not the kind of love that Kara had contrived to convince herself that she‘d been in. And definitely not the kind of love that would eventually end in inevitably choosing to save the world. Because that was Kara Danvers for you, a saint. A woman of her word who refused to fail her one mission in life...protect the earth. A woman who, despite how much she cared about not disappointing others and ensuring that they were happy even if it meant bringing hell to her own well being, was selfish. More than she knew.

Kara left Lena’s bedroom...she almost left Lena’s bedroom until she realized how much she wanted to get out of her Supersuit. And in three seconds, she was dressed in one of Lena’s oversized gray T-Shirts. Unsurprisingly, there was a science pun. ‘ That was sodium funny ’, Kara rolled her eyes and laughed unintentionally as she made her way into the kitchen to find something to eat. 

When she opened the fridge, there was a half-eaten salad and an empty box of pizza. You would think that someone who lived in a luxurious apartment would have food, but apparently, that wasn’t true. So instead, Kara had ordered several boxes of pizza and patiently waited for them to arrive. The wait was longer than expected, and Kara found herself cleaning up the mess in the kitchen. Wiping down the counters, trying anything to keep her mind off of Lena. Sweeping the floor, cleaning out the old food from the fridge, and loading the dishwasher wasn’t one of those things, but she still did them anyway.

Meanwhile, Lena had finally opened her eyes. She stared at whatever had been in front of her, refusing to look behind her and acknowledge the fact that Kara was gone. The feeling of waking up next to the only person that she wanted to wake up next to was probably never going to be something that she would experience in a really long time...but she didn’t want to accept that. Not right now. Right now, Lena wanted to stay in bed but then there was a knock on the front door. 

“Coming!” A familiar voice, Kara’s voice, echoed through the apartment which caused Lena to sit up and reach for her black robe that had been sitting on the nightstand opposite of her phone. She slipped it on, tying it and then sliding her feet into the matching slippers before leaving the room. 

When she had gotten into the kitchen, Kara had been carrying seven boxes of pizza towards the island where she sat them down.

“Hi,” Kara smiled, setting the pizza down and using her thumb to pull her hair behind her ear.

“I thought you were-“

“I was,” the blonde interrupted, “but we kind of slept for a really long time and I thought you might be hungry. Plus, there wasn’t any food in your fridge.”

There was an elephant in the room, but it was very obvious that Kara hadn’t seen nor felt it. Or if she had, she was one hundred percent going to ignore the fact that she said she was leaving. Lena was confused, seeing Kara in her shirt. Standing in her kitchen and ordering pizza to her apartment. Why was she here? Why didn’t she just leave so that they could approach the awkwardness later? They would eat in silence. Would being, they would’ve eaten in silence if Lena had even chosen to eat. Which she didn’t. She stood as far away from Kara as she could, wanting to say ‘if you’re going to leave do it now’. But she would have rather talked, which was what she did instead.

“So umm...we talked earlier and...well...I was thinking that maybe we should talk again,”

Kara stared, biting her pizza and waiting for an appropriate sentence to come to her so that she could say it. 

“Orrrrr, we could talk about it later. Like next week or something.” She shrugged, “maybe next year?”

“I’m being serious, Kara,” Lena nodded her head, folding her arms and unintentionally closing the wide distant...only a little. “I want to fix us. I don’t want to lose you. Maybe we should try something to get us back on track.”

“Okay,” Kara took another bite of pizza, “what do you wanna do?”

“I think we should go to therapy,” Lena’s reply was unhesitant, mostly because it was something that she’d been thinking about since Dr. Gray had suggested it. How healthy it would be, whether she and Kara were just friends or not, to go see someone rather than avoid every problem in every way possible.

It was unintentional, the snicker that Kara had released. She wasn’t going to therapy. She didn’t need to go to therapy. Especially not to Dr. Gray. Maybe it was because she didn’t want to hear someone, who didn’t know her the way Lena knew her, about her problems. It was reasonable, being afraid to be vulnerable with someone else about something that Kara was passionate about not doing. Being in a relationship that is.

“I’m being serious-“

“That’s why I’m laughing,” the blonde squared her shoulders, calmly interrupting Lena, “I’m not going to therapy, Lena. I don’t need to go to therapy. You don’t need to go therapy neither because we have each other to talk to and I promise you that it’s better than blabbing to someone who doesn’t care.”

Lena furrowed her eyebrows, “this isn’t about what you need or what I need, it’s about what we need to repair us. Our relationship is in jeopardy and we have a chance to fix it. And I don’t know when, but you’re going to leave. You said it with a smile on your face,”

Kara placed the crust of her pizza back into the pizza box and she nodded her head. She did say it with a smile on her face, but if Lena knew Kara as well as she thought she had then she would know that that smile was fake...that it was forced. Kara didn’t want to smile while she came up with the worse things to say, the best things to say to push Lena away. But she had to because she knew that it would hurt. And finally, she was deciding to come to her senses, staring at Lena as she prepared to agree to do something that she didn’t want to do just because Lena wanted to do it. Or at least that’s what Lena thought was happening.

“I’m not going to therapy,” Kara’s voice was firm, the dour expression as to which she had displayed on her face showed Lena that she was in fact probably not going to get through to her. And though Kara had felt she made her point, she continued, “I’m sure if you didn’t have feelings for me you wouldn’t be suggesting this. I don’t even know what love is let alone what it feels like and if it’s anything like this then I don’t want to know.”

“Anything like this?” Lena scoffed.

Kara answered before Lena could keep going, “anything like this,” she nodded, “Lena, I don’t want to cry myself to sleep every night because I know that I’m hurting you-“

“Then stop doing it, Kara!” The brunette snapped. “You are the only person who’s making that decision! Every time we get to a good place you ruin it because you’re always leaving!”

“I don’t have a choice,” her voice was firm as she took a step closer to Lena, closing the distance, “I want to be your friend, I do, but I don’t want to love you the way you want me to. I can’t.”

“Then why did you tell me you loved me,”

Kara glanced down at the floor for a moment before she flipped her hair and stared back up into Lena’s curious green eyes. 

“I don’t know,” the blonde shrugged. Her pause shorted than she imagined that it would be, the brief thought of what she would say next already disappearing. “But I was lying,” her voice was slow while she stared directly into Lena’s eyes with no intention of breaking their eye contact. With no intention of taking it back, even with the knowledge of how much that hurt Lena. With the knowledge of how much it hurt them both. 

Lena’s chest had tightened, both of them tightening their jaw muscles as Lena had nodded her in both acceptance and disappointment.

“Right,” the brunette grinned in a failed attempt to hide her true feelings, “you were lying ... because that’s-that’s something that you do,” then she broke, immediately breaking eye contact and wiping aggressively at her newly falling tears, “you can go out the same way you came in.”

At this point, Lena couldn’t deny it much longer, the very thing that she avoided telling Dr. Gray about. It being the fact that she could finally see the guilt in Kara’s eyes. She finally knew why she kept allowing Kara to come back because for so long she trusted those deceiving eyes. Now, she couldn’t tell the difference between the lies or the truths that Kara withheld. How could someone she loved, someone who loved her, lie to her face like that? It was obvious that Kara was afraid, but Lena didn’t know how afraid she was until now.

Kara wanted them to be friends, but they couldn’t be friends if she kept pushing Lena away like this. She knew that they needed to talk, she just wasn’t ready. At all. Perhaps she never will be and maybe they’ll lose each other forever.

** ****** **

“Ms. Luthor?” Dr. Gray smiled at the green-eyed woman who entered her office, “it’s been a while,”

Lena sat down on the couch, placing her red Louboutin purse on the glass coffee table and then crossing her legs. The smile on Melanie’s face was gone in an instant, the realization of Lena coming to this session without calling in, yet with her earlier posture, consumed her. Something was wrong and Mel made that out the second she looked into Lena’s eyes. She could see the pain that Lena tried to hide, the hurt radiating and almost causing Mel to give the poor woman who sat before her a really long hug to let her know that everything was going to be okay.

“I took your advice,” Lena mumbled, her eyes almost similar to what Kara’s used to be. Pink and puffy. “You’ve told me how to accept my feelings...now how do I undo it?”

That voice, the one feels with rage and determination was everything that Mel had not wanted Lena to go back to. She thought that Kara would’ve made everything better but that obviously hadn’t been true. 

“You know I thought you were right,” then there were the waterworks, “you said that it was going to work but apparently everyone is just lying to me for some reason. What did I ever do to you? I just wanted your help and you said you could give to me but you’re just like everyone else,”

Mel reached forward, snatching out some tissues to hand to Lena who took them without hesitation. She wiped the tears that fell with no intention, disappointed in herself for crying in front of Mel...again. She swore after the first few days that she wouldn’t let herself fall underneath Kara’s spell but it happened. And it happened hard.

“Do you wanna tell me what happened?”

No. Lena didn’t want to talk about it, she just wanted to sit in silence but either way, it’ll be a relevant topic. Maybe if she just let it all out, right here, right now then she’d be better later. 

“I feel really stupid,” Lena spoke firmly, staring down at her legs, “for allowing myself to think that fixing our relationship could be so easy, but it isn’t that simple,” her voice was low as she spoke, cracking ever so often, “when I look into Kara’s eyes I still see the same thing that I saw when we first met and that scares the living shit out of me. I let my guard down and-“ she sniffled, “and I let her in. I gave up my power because I didn’t need it when I had someone by my side making me stronger. But the very person who gave me strength was my weakness...and I hate it.”

More tears fell from Lena’s eyes, falling onto her dark blue dress where it was absorbed by the fabric. This was the very first time that Mel didn’t have to shake anything out of Lena, she assumed that it was because Lena really didn’t have anyone at this point. She couldn’t imagine being betrayed more than once by the same person, the person as to whom she had loved. A lot, obviously. 

Kara was supposed to take it easy, slow, steady, and gentle. But it was clear that the fear in which she and Melanie spoke about was also being pushed away. That fear was posed to be Kara’s best friend and yet she made it an enemy. That enemy was destroying something that had more potential than ever to be the best thing ever.

“And what is it that you see when you look into her eyes?” 

In previous sessions with Melanie, Lena had almost answered that unasked questioned. It wasn’t a new thing, it was just something that had taken her a really long time to accept because she didn’t want to accept it.

“Nothing,” Lena answered, her eyes still buried on her legs, “I can’t-I can’t tell if she’s lying or if she’s being honest and it...”

Impossible. Dr. Gray thought, once again watching Lena burst into tears. It felt like she had only made their situation worse and she wondered if it was the fact that Kara had now known that Lena knew or if it had just been a fear that overcame Kara’s love for Lena. Either way, Dr. Gray was at fault. She should have waited because this was going to be a huge set back for Lena who had finally been able to express herself. Those feelings of which she hid were finally surfacing.

“She feels like she doesn’t deserve you,” Dr. Gray’s voice interfered with the sound of Lena’s tears, “she’s afraid that if she doesn’t love of you enough she’ll lose you and if she loves you too much she’ll hurt you. Fear is powerful, and eventually, it’s going to make this worse. I don’t know how to stop the kind of fear that Kara has. Maybe it’s because she’s carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders and giving in to her heart will lift that...maybe she doesn’t want to be free of caring about everything else because caring about one thing will hurt her more if she loses it. I want you to think about that before you convince yourself that she doesn’t love you. Because she does. I promise.” 

As much as Lena wanted that to be true, she knew from the bottom of her heart that it was a lie. She knew that everything that had come from Kara’s mouth was a lie because Kara was a liar. That beautiful sweet woman that Lena once knew was all her imagination, Kara Danvers didn’t exist. Not the Kara Danvers that Lena had fallen in love with at least.


	7. Our Little Warriors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unexpected turn changes Kara and Lena’s future together for good. They wanted to be in each other’s lives, but now they don’t have a choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t know how to feel about this one :( .

It was a long morning for Kara and everyone else who worked at the DEO. A surprise spaceship landed out in a field but by the time Supergirl had gotten there, whoever had been inside was gone. But the DEO did keep the spaceship and were studying it since. 

Meanwhile...

“Excuse me,” Kara nearly spilled her coffee on someone as she rushed out of the elevator with every intention of heading for her office. “Sorry,” it happened again, the classic _almost coffee spill_ that Kara seems to have mastered. But she did safely make her way into her office which happened to be filled with flowers. There was a calming effect that the flowers had given Kara, mostly because there was only one person who would even think about decorating her office this way, but then she wondered why as she closed the door behind her and placed her coffee and purse down on her desk...where ever she could fit it of course.

Why would Lena send Kara flowers after what happened last night because if anything, Kara should be the one sending flowers to Lena? And though this was calming, Kara was a bit paranoid because Lena didn’t do sweet things when she was pissed. She did necessary things, yeah, but never sweet things. So again, why would she be sending Kara flowers? 

Kara searched for a note or a reason, but there hadn’t been one, making her all the more curious. Lena was too organized to not put an explanation on the flowers, even if it was just to say _hi_ or _sorry_. So she continued her search with a crinkling brow of determination as she searched thoroughly.

But still, she didn’t find one. 

A knock on her office door distracted her though, and she waved for whomever it was to come in even though they couldn’t see her. 

“Come in,” she finally decided to say, coming to the realization that not everyone had x-ray vision as she had. The door opened slowly, but Kara hadn’t been paying attention.

Until it closed.

Her eyes shot up at the two people who stood in front of her, causing her to instantly puff out her chest and go into her protective mode with her hands on her hips.

“Can I help you?”

The strangers looked at one another, one of them with beautiful curly blonde hair that fell perfectly down her back as it had been slicked back behind her ears. The other with curly blonde hair, short and neatly combed, with brunette roots. He almost snickered at Kara’s pose, but he managed to get his act together.

“We umm...” the guy started, his piercing green eyes landed back on Kara, “you’ve done something really really bad and you need our help.”

“I’m sorry, who are you exactly?” Kara’s eyebrows furrowed, hands still on her hips.

“Lexi,” the guy pointed at the blonde, “and Alex Lu-“ then he groaned when Lexi elbowed him in his ribs. “Ahem,” Alex cleared his throat and started to speak again after shooting a death stare at Lexi. “Remeber the Daximite invasion? Well apparently whoever decided, without Mama and Mon-El’s consent, to create an heir for the Daxam throne kind of mixed up the DNA...”

And then everything after that was a blur for Kara, she stared at Alex’s lips as he spoke and she thought about Mon-El and a future heir for Daxam or whatever those Daxamites decided to do with what was left of it. It’s been a year though since Mon-El had left the second time, and Kara still hadn’t heard a thing about him.

“So here we are-“

“Mom?” Lexi interrupted Alex, a serious look on her face as she grabbed Kara’s attention, who was just as surprised as Alex when Lexi had said those words. “Are you even listening to him?”

Kara scoffed, a smirk on her face after catching on to Lexi, “did you just...did you just call me mom?”

“So you weren’t listening?” Lexi sighed and rolled her eyes, one of her hands was now placed on her hips. “The future is going to be ruined if you and Mama don’t find us.”

“What?” Kara squinted, and again, Lexi rolled her eyes, clenching her jaw muscles out of annoyance. It was familiar, that jaw lock, Lexi’s entire jaw structure reminded Kara of Lena and...

Oh my god. 

That couldn’t be..., right? Not..not what Kara was thinking...right? 

“Ugh,” Lexi groaned, “Queen Rhea mixed up Mon-El’s DNA with yours when she tried to create an heir for Daxam and instead of doing she wanted, she created human-Kryptonian babies.”

“Hybrids,” Alex added suggestively with his index finger pointed upward.

Kara scoffed again, her mouth forming a large O shape as she smiled widely. “This is-this is hilarious. I don’t know what kind of games you guys are playing, but umm...I-I don’t even know what a Daxamite is...I don’t even know what a Daxam or a Krypton is. I mean seriously,”

At this point, Alex and Lexi were over it. They let Kara continue to ramble for a little while longer before they looked at one another, sharing a head nod. 

“Is it food—“ Kara flinched, jumping back and dodging the lasers that beamed from both Alex and Lexi’s eyes. “What the hell?!” The blonde snapped at the teens.

“I’m Alexander Joseph Luthor-Danvers and this is my sister Alexis Marie Luthor-Danvers. We need to talk, seriously.”

It took a little under twenty minutes for Alex to explain everything, more specifically the reason he was there. Kara learned that Alex and Alexis were twins, and they were her twins...with Lena.Apparently being on that Daximite ship was the worse thing that Kara had ever done. She had kids, that was all she could think about. Her son and daughter from the future were standing right in front of her begging for her to find them now. Find them meaning that at this current moment, in the present, they existed but unfortunately they were being kept in a phantom tube which consisted of a small portion of the phantom zone. In other words, they were still babies...newborns and if Kara hadn’t found them in this time the future would be destroyed. Though they hadn’t gone into depth with that part, because they couldn’t, Kara knew that Winn was perfect for the job.

Her hands were on her hips, but she was no longer in protective mode. She stared down at the floor, her jaw muscles tightening while her brows crinkled. Kara was thrown off guard with all of the information that she was processing at the moment. For the first time in her life, Kara had to think about having kids. It was never something that accrued to her actually. Well, technically she didn’t have to think about it because she had to save them if not, the future was going to be destroyed and it was going to be her fault. All because she didn’t want kids, she just hadn’t known why. Or maybe she had, she just wasn’t ready to say it out loud.

Lexi pressed her lips together, nodding her head at Kara’s unsurprising reaction. Supergirl would jump at any opportunity to save the world, no matter what the cost was...but this...this was above Lexi’s expectations. That selfish, narcissistic Kara Danvers that Lexi has known went further back than she thought.

“Are you going to help us or what?” Lexi’s voice broke the inevitable temporary silence. There was an annoyance in her voice, and Kara could sense it. She could see it too when she looked up into the piercing green eyes that both twins shared with Lena. 

“W-why didn’t...why didn’t you guys go to Lena?”

Lexi scoffed, nodding her head, not in disappointment but in acceptance, right before she smirked at Kara and left the office, the door closing behind her.

“Umm...” Alex sighed, glancing down at the floor before meeting with Kara’s blue eyes, “Lena is ummm....you abandoned us,” the disbelief in Kara’s face made Alex’s words harder to get out, “when we were seven...you—you left us, me Lexi and Mama. You repeatedly chose the world over us, and Lexi and Lena both hated you for it-they still hate you for it. Us coming back here today was Lexi ungratefully swallowing her pride and confronting her biggest fear ... you ... leaving ... again.”

When he paused, he walked closer to Kara, placing his hand on her shoulder and searching for the eye contact that he really needed.

“You felt guilty after you left and you went back in time to try to create a timeline where you and Mama didn’t meet and in doing so you ruined the future.” Kara’s jaw muscles were even tighter than before, her eyes watering as she tried her best to keep the tears from falling. “But you can fix it,” Alex nodded, “ we can figure it together because I believe in you mom. I always have. You have  always been my hero, and I need you—“

“Look, you’re alive right now which means that you’re okay.” Kara stepped back, letting Alex’s hand fall from her shoulder, “why didn’t you go to the future me—“

“Because the future you is nowhere to be found.” His voice was firm, and Kara could finally sense his anger, “I obviously didn’t make it clear when I said you abanded us. You’re gone, flying across this entire world ignoring everything except a cry for help. The only time we see you is if your work happens to bring you to Metropolis. You don’t speak to us, you don’t look at us, it’s like we don’t even exist! You have a chance, that someone would be dying to have, at redemption and you’re being the same selfish woman that promised me she would always be there!”

His chest was puffing in and out, a failed attempt to catch his breath after his unintended snap. Kara’s was doing the same, her shameful tears finally rolling down her cheeks. She was in denial. He was asking her to choose the world over him and she’d done it before, so why can’t she do it now? Oh, it was because she was being selfish...she would be saving the world and sacrificing her boring life that was oblivious to motherhood. Now she knew why she didn’t want to be a parent because she knew that as a superhero it would be inevitable for her to sacrifice the people that she loved. And apparently, that’s what she did. Her daughter hated her, her best friend hated her, and her son...he believed in her even when no one else had. What about Alex though? What did Alex think about her in all of this? It was probably something bad because Alex wanted to be a mother and she would give anything to do that, so to see Kara just throw her whole family into a dumpster probably disintegrated their relationship.

How about we just cross that bridge when we get to it...well when I get to it , was what Kara wanted to say but, “okay,” was what actually came out, “okay, I’ll ummm, I’ll meet you at the DEO and we could get the team on board and we’ll—we’ll figure this out. Just...just don’t do anything stupid while you’re here.”

“Really?”

“Yeah I-I’m gonna go talk to Lena first, so go waste some time with your sister at Nonan’s or something-“

“Or..we could like..we could go to your apartment?”

Kara raised a brow, “uhh, why? Do you not have any money?” She instantly reached into her back pocket to grab her wallet. “I have twenty dollars-“

“I have money. I’m a Luthor-Danvers and the last time I checked,” Alex squared his shoulders, “we were kind of, I don’t know, trillionaire’, annnnd, I brought you those flowers.”

Kara turned to look at the flowers again, not wanting to smile at Alex’s sweet gesture. Well, she knew where he got his charm.

“They’re-“

“Your favorite? I know.” He nodded, then held out his hand, “keys?”

For a moment, Kara stared at Alex’s hand. She wondered if she should trust him or not, but it was definitely the lasers that gave his  Super side away. It was also his eyes, and Lexi’s, that reminded Kara so much of Lena. Their jaw structures and chin resembling Lena’s as well. But it was one thing that Lexi didn’t have that Alex did, that scar above his left brow. It wasn’t actually a scar though, it was a birthmark.

She rolled her eyes and turned to her desk, reached into her purse, and extracted the keys to her apartment. 

“Here,” she placed them into his hand, and he took them gracefully. 

“Thanks”

His smile was soft and so was Kara’s, but eventually, he left and closed the door behind him.  And that was the moment Kara let it all out. She exhaled heavily as if a large weight had been lifted off of her chest. But it wasn’t gone for too long, not after she realized that she had to tell Lena about this. Which was probably going to be hard because Lena didn’t want anything to do with Kara right now.

“Oh Rao,” Kara sighed.

** ****** **

Her heart was racing, her palms were sweating, her legs were shaking and if anyone paid any attention to her they would’ve seen it. Kara stepped from L-Corp’s elevator when it stopped on Lena’s floor, being lead by Jess who obviously knew about the unlimited access that Kara was granted. The secretary opened Lena’s office door for the blonde and waved for her to go in. 

“If you came here to tell me about Alex and Lexi, I already know,” Lena didn’t dare to look up, her eyes glued on the laptop in front of her.

Kara stammered, and then she stopped to think for a moment, making her way over towards the couch where she sat down. She placed her purse on the coffee table and let out a huge breath then collapsed her hands together. Lena glances up for the first time that Kara had been in the office, sensing the nervousness that shot through Kara’s veins and she wanted to say something, she wanted to make sure that Kara was okay but that would be giving Kara the power that she didn’t deserve. Kara didn’t may sure that Lena was okay when she broke her heart last night, so why was this any different? Despite it being in a different circumstance.

“And umm...h-how do you feel about that?” The blonde broke the silence, resting her quivering hands in her lap as she met with Lena’s green eyes.

“How do I feel about you abandoning me? Again,” Lena cocked an eyebrow. “Oh, it feels amazing. Knowing, after everything you put me through, that I still decided to be an idiot and spend the rest of my life with a lying jackass.”

Kara sniffled, glancing at the floor, “this isn’t about us. This is about Alex and Lexi-“

“Alex and Lexi who you abandoned, Kara. Why do you do that? Why do you keep abandoning people-“

“I have no control over what happens in the future but if I did I wouldn’t have kids because I don’t want any!” Kara instantly closed her eyes while Lena had slowly lifted her own chin. “I-I’m...I didn’t mean to say that...”

Lena nodded her head and reached for her half-empty bottle of scotch which she opened and poured into an empty glass. 

“If you don’t want kids then why are you here?” The brunette crossed her legs.

“I was coming to let you know what was happening and I didn’t want you to have to go through it alone,”

“But I’m going to go through it alone because, as you said, you’re going to leave eventually. So why don’t you just leave now, Kara? I-“ she gasped as she stood up from her chair, “I feel like you’re purposely trying to make me suffer, and it’s working. You’re hurting me, every time you tell me something, that I know you don’t mean, it hurts. You lie to my face every single day like it’s second nature and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was. What did I do to you? What did I do to deserve this? Is it because I’m a Luthor?”

“Lena-“

“Is it because I’m a Luthor, Kara?!”

“No, it’s because I love you!”

Lena scoffed, a lonely tear falling from her right eye. She gulped her glass of scotch before pouring another. She was so confused at this point because last night Kara said that she didn’t love Lena and now she was saying that she did. But that wasn’t even the worst part. The worse part was the fact that even if that were true, Lena would never know because those eyes were the same. Kara was so good at lying to Lena’s face and Lena was so bad at separating Kara’s flaws from her perfection and it made her feel so weak.

“I don’t believe you,” Lena shrugged, more tears falling from her eyes but she wiped at them immediately with her free hand.

“I know,” Kara nodded, “and I hope that you never do because I am a liar I get that. But I have my reasons,” Lena flenched unintentionally as Kara had stood up from the couch and approached her. “Did Lexi tell you why I abandoned you guys? It was because I was protecting you, and if it meant keeping you safe then I would do it again, and again, and again because that’s who I am. I am a woman who will always, under any circumstances put her family first even if it means never seeing them again. It’s selfish, I know,” she nodded, walking even closer to Lena, “but being selfish is what’s going to keep you alive. It’s what has been keeping you alive.” 

The entire time, Lena avoided eye contact, staring down at her desk because she was afraid that she would believe everything that Kara said. It seemed honest and pure, but Lena was so paranoid that she couldn’t even trust herself to trust Kara again. Because it hurt. 

“Look at me,” Kara whispered, but Lena didn’t act on Kara’s commands so the blonde placed her hand on Lena's cheek, wiping at her tears with her thumb and forcing Lena to look up at her, “I love you,” Lena’s breath was shaky, and Kara licked her lips. She wasn’t ready to say what she was going to say, but she had to. Because she was tired of seeing Lena like this, and because of _her_. “And...if you still want we could...we could go to therapy together. Not just for us, but for the sake of our children.”

As Lena nodded, Kara’s phone vibrated in the pocket of her navy blue slacks. She removed her hand from Lena’s cheek and used it to get her phone. 

“Alex, hey, I’m kind of in the middle of something right now-“

“Well, you need to put whatever you’re doing on pause and get to the DEO as soon as possible. We have a problem. Two of them,”

It was alarming that Kara had known what the meant, “okay,” she sighed and rolled her eyes, “I’ll be there as soon as possible.” Then she ended the line. “Do you wanna fly-“

“No,” Lena answered instantly, “I mean yes, but-“

It was too late for her to finish because once she said yes, Kara wouldn’t take no for an answer. However, Kara never wanted the trip to be so quick. Flying with someone was an intimate thing, and she wanted Lena to be able to enjoy her first time....second. 

They arrived at the DEO, Kara landing ever so gently and placing Lena down to her feet. Her blue eyes instantly met with Alex’s, her sister, and she walked down the stairs followed by Lena.

“What the hell?” Kara threw up her hands as she made eye contact with Alexander. “I thought I told you two to stay in my apartment-“

“Oh please, after missing seven years of my life I think I’m obligated to not take orders from you-“

“What,” Alexander interrupted, glancing at Lexi before looking up at Kara, “she’s trying to say is that-“

“No, what I am saying is that the faster we handle this, the faster I can get home and sitting inside of your apartment wouldn’t necessarily be us making any progress,” 

Kara nodded, brushing the bridge of her nose before putting her hands on her hips while Alex, Lena, and Alexander made awkward faces at each other. 

“Alright then,” the blonde mumbled, “what do we do?”

Alexander cleared his throat and waved for everyone to follow him into the lobby. “So,” he cleared his throat again as they all approached the whiteboard where he lifted a marker, “we all know what flashpoint is right? Right. Well, after flashpoint a lot of things changed because Barry saved his mother, and Barry’s mother’s death was a key part of his life so changing it changed a lot. The same thing with you guys,” he pointed at Kara and Lena, “if future Kara creates a new timeline where she and Lena don’t meet, Aunt Alex will die, Mama Danvers will die, Superman will die, and some other bad things are going to happen.”

“Not to mention Lena dies,” Lexi added as she folded her arms, “and though it’ll bring joy to some in the room, AJ and I are also wiped from existence.”

“And the only way to stop that from happening is to retrieve the phantom pods from planet Daxam before it explodes again. Which happens,” Alexander nodded calmly, “Daxam explodes again,“

“If the phantom pods are on Daxam and Daxam explodes in this timeline how are you two alive?” Lena questioned out of curiosity, only before adding a fact. “Daxam has a red sun doesn’t?” She looked towards Kara who nodded her head yes. “That means that you two aren’t immune to explosions,”

“That’s the fun part,” Alexander smirked and turned back towards the whiteboard where he began to draw again, “phantom tubes were created specifically so that Sagittarians wouldn’t overpopulate planet Sage, which is the mother planet of Kryton, Daxam, Virgo, Orion, Maxim, and Zorius. These tubes were meant to not only extend a generation for over five hundred years but to also protect the Sagittarian race in case of an emergency-“

“Get to the point please,” Lexi rolled her eyes and folded her arms. Alexander stared her, giving her death stare before he continued. 

“So yes, Mama, we are not immune to explosions on Daxam, however, the phantom tubes are. In our time, which is actually 2049, we’re not supposed to be sixteen. We’re actually supposed to be in our late twenties, but we were floating in the phantom tubes for twelve years, starting tomorrow, which is when Daxam explodes, before we were knocked down onto the earth.”

Kara took a deep breath and exhaled heavily. How could she not have known about this? And how could Lena not have told her that Rhea tried to create an heir for Daxam? Why didn’t Mon-El tell her? Maybe if she knew that there was a possibility that Mon-El and Lena had a child, she would’ve looked into for them and maybe her children wouldn’t have had to spend twelve years stranded in outer space.

“Alex will put together a team to back you up,” Lena said softly after she and Alex had sensed Kara’s exhaustion.

“She doesn’t need a team if she has us,” Alexander held up his arms. 

Lena nodded, “but she doesn’t have you because you’re not going-“

“But we know where-“

“You’re not going,” the brunette interrupted Lexi, her voice was firm. Lexi knew that voice because she heard it very often, once when she broke that guy’s arm during her freshman of high school.

There was no talkback though because Lena _was_ obligated to give orders to her children and they were obligated to take them. And they did. Alex put together a team, and Kara was off to Daxam. And though Alex wanted to tag along, Kara insisted that she stayed behind with Lena just because. 

Both of them worked together to clear out a room and prepare to have the phantom tubes stationed here while Lexi and AJ, that’s what they were calling him now, sat near the monitor watching Kara. Lena and Alex were quiet for the first thirty minutes, but Alex was very curious as to what this meant now for Kara and Lena. She wondered if they had already gotten past the fact that Kara had lied to her about who she was for nearly four years.

The room was cleared now, spacious enough rather, and Lena was getting ready to leave but Alex had called out to her. 

“Hey, how are you doing?”

Lena took a deep breath and stepped back into the room, closing the door behind her. “I don’t know,” she shrugged, “I just found out that Kara didn’t want kids,”

“You don’t think that’s why she abandoned them though, do you?” 

“No,” Lena shook her head, “I don’t know.” The brunette shrugged, stressfully wiping at her eyes. “I...after I found out about...you know...I just...I stopped trusting her. And now when she tells me things it just goes in one ear and out of the other because I don’t know if what she’s saying is true or not. But I love her, and maybe that’s why I couldn’t see that she was a liar, because I was so blinded by the fact that someone could finally love me for me and see past my family’s history.”

Alex understood that and she nodded, “The worse thing that you could do right now is worry too much about the future. I don’t think that Kara doesn’t want kids, I just think that she’s never thought about it because she hasn’t had time. I think that being a hero is her priority and because of her previous experiences, I think she’s afraid of letting someone else, especially kids, into her life only for that to happen again. She cares about you, and as someone with a heart as big as hers, she is bound to fall in love with those kids no matter. And she knows that, and it’s probably scaring the shit out of her right now.” Alex shrugged. “But what I’m saying is, Kara needs time to process everything that’s happening. She’s been through a lot. Her parents had to abandon her in order to protect her, and in the midst of doing so, they died. She doesn’t want her kids to have to experience losing someone who they’ve grown so close to because that feeling sucks. But if she has to, to keep them safe, then she will. Without hesitation.”

Lena knew that. It’s what she was afraid of. Because if AJ and Lexi lost Kara, Lena would be losing Kara too. And from the looks of it, it would be forever. 

A soft smile grew on Lena’s face, “thank you,” she said. “I’ve heard that from her, and my therapist, about a thousand times but it’s different coming from you. Because you’ll be losing her too.”

“And as long as she’s going out as a hero should, I’ll be okay knowing that she completed the mission that she was sent here to do,”

“Mama?” Alex and Lena both turned towards the door to face AJ and Lexi who entered the room. 

“Whoa,” Alex furrowed her eyebrows as she noticed that Lexi and AJ were fading away, “what’s happening?”

“She did it,” AJ smirked. As if he had ever doubted her. He always knew that she was good, and even if she didn’t want to do something she would do it if it meant protecting the people and the things that she loved. Kara Zor-El was Alexander’s hero, whether she was in his life or not, he always knew that it was for the better. “Oh and,” he continued to smile brightly, “while you guys have the chance, please change my name. It’s so hard for me to make friends when I’m named after my psychotic uncle,”

And then they were gone. He reminded Lena so much of Kara, his optimism and that beautiful bright smile that he had even when times were tough. There was no doubt, that even if Kara was gone in the future, that Lena would still have a part of her.

“Do you think they knew that was going to happen?” Alex turned to Lena. 

“I know they did,” Alex and Lena looked up at Kara and J’onn who pulled the large phantom tubes into the room, nearly giving Lena a heart attack, “they’re warriors.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope that was good...for a first chapter at least.


End file.
